I'm Probably Going to Hell for Saying This, Vol. 1

16120__black_lI’m probably going to hell for saying this, but I don’t see anything wrong with Santa Claus wanting to murder a bunch of Hollywood pretty people on Christmas day. Those damn kids were probably naughty this year, anyway!

In case you’re wondering if I drank too much eggnog at the PopWatch holiday party — er, that’s beside the point. Here’s my beef: On Dec. 25, the mischievous, twinkle-eyed filmmakers who brought you Final Destination will be stuffing our stockings with Black Christmas (pictured), a remake of the 1974 splatter flick in which a psycho dressed in a Santa suit preys on a bunch of sorority girls. But according to some outraged Christian groups, releasing Black Christmas on Jesus’ birthday isn’t exactly their idea of spreading "Joy to the World!" holiday cheer. Sample sentiment: "Our most sacred holiday, actually a holy day, is being assaulted," according to a spokesperson from Operation Just Say Merry Christmas.

As a Christian myself, I understand the complaint. And yet, at the risk of sounding like a heretic, I say "Bah, humbug!" to my people’s lack of imagination. Where’s their sense of humor? Some homicidal Ho! Ho! Ho! during the most wonderful time of the year — well, that’s just funny. That they can’t see that irks me so much, I kinda want to buy a ticket to this movie just to protest them. Moreover, I think these narrow-minded activists are missing their own point, which is actually this: the "reason for the season" — the birth of Jesus Christ some 2006 years ago — is being forgotten, and worse, increasingly replaced with a fantasy figure that has become our patron saint of Buying Stuff. Personally, I don’t understand why they wouldn’t be grateful for a movie that demonizes a dude that some zealous believers refer to as "Satan Claus." Here’s hoping on Christmas morning, these true believers will find a bottle of chill pills — and a box of cleverness — waiting for them next to the fireplace. As for me, I’ll be cheering on this Bad Santa — and then roasting like a chestnut in hell.

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  • EPro

    “Our most sacred holiday, actually a holy day, is being assaulted,”
    Um, as a Christian myself, wouldn’t Easter be our most sacred holiday? You know, the holiday celebrating the event that actually set our whole denomination into being? I’m just putting that out there…

  • Lora

    And does this spokesperson realize Dec. 25th was actually a pagan holiday Christians adopted and Jesus was actually born in the summer? Holy day my a**.

  • nathan

    Christmas lost it’s meaning years ago. I couldn’t care less anymore. It’s cold, expensive, travelling sucks more than usual, and what comes next? January, the worst month of the year. hoorah.

  • nathan

    All that said though, I still wouldn’t waste my time going to yet another craptacular remake of an originally average horror flick.

  • Jason

    Black Christmas is NOT about a guy dressed as Santa killing people (unless they really changed things for the remake). That would be Christmas Evil, or Silent Night Deadly Night. The killer in Black Christmas is shown only from his point of view, so you don’t see who it is. Sheesh.

  • Jeff Jensen

    Jason: Thanks for the clarification; I had been misinformed about Santa’s role, or lack thereof, in the film. But my point remains: I find the timing funny, not offensive. And if these outraged Christians had a more subversive point of view, perhaps they could see Black Xmas as an opportunity to engage people with ideas instead of virtriol. Maybe impishly spin the movie as a comment on Nathan’s point–the dispiriting fact that for many people, Christmas has lost its meaning? See? It all goes back to Santa, anyway. Jason, thanks for the info.

  • Tom

    I have no problem with a horror movie being released on Christmas day, but I do have a problem with a remake of a classic being released on Christmas day.
    Why not release the original 1975 chiller which doesn’t give you the requisite resolution but leaves you hanging – and scared?

  • Mozz

    I just got back from a Jersey Mall, I felt like killing everyone – the girl at FYE planning her night with her boyfriend while i wanted to pay for the first season of Rome on DVD, had to stop to text someone is especially worthy of a beheading, and I’m especially unhappy with the way the IPOD APPLE store treats its costumers, I said I payed for all the bad things I’ve done to people this year by standing in that line for two hours, “COACH” bags are way too expensive for what they are a third rate bag with people with bad attitudes attending, and the guy at Macys with a cold sneezed directly in my direction (on purpose maybe.) I took it all in stride and with a smile, but inside, when I saw the poster for that movie, I thought, this movie has christmas pegged exactly for what it should be. HO HO HO!

  • Greg

    I agree with Nathan. Sort of. If it weren’t for the retarded Christian groups trying to get this movie banned I totally wouldn’t be going to see this. But, because of them, I will be there, Christmas day, right after Christmas dinner and presents, going to see this crappy movie. Just to spite them.

  • Phil

    Hehehe if not for nothing, I never saw the original, hell I wasn’t born yet when it even came out, but my friend who is a horror movie buff of course filled me in the minute they greenlit this here Black Xmas! I don’t have high expectations, its not like this movie is going to be up for any Golden Globes or Oscars, but, hopefully amongst all the holiday hoopla, it’ll be just some BLOODY FUN! And hey, I mean, Buffy’s lil’ sis, Michelle Trachanberger is in it, & it can’t possibly be any worse than Sarah Michelle’s last two “horror” flicks from October….CAN IT? Plus it comes out on a Monday, so technically, its got a whole holiday week to make money when lots of college people have off with nothing to do..maybe it’ll be a surprise hit like Scream was a decade ago?!?! MERRY (BLACK)X-MAS!!!

  • Isn’t That Easter?

    I second what EPro said. As a devout Christian I can assure you that Easter is the holiest day on our calendar, not Christmas.
    I second what EPro said. As a devout Christian I can assure you that Easter is the holiest day on our calendar, not Christmas.
    Christmas was placed in December to help convert Romans who were celebrating Saturnalia. We don’t know for sure when Jesus was actually born but many astronomers and religious scholars believe it was in the spring around March or April. They reached this conclusion from secular and religious accounts of astronomical phenomena and historical accounts of tax collections and sheep grazing patterns (kind of cool that some poor shepherd’s day planner was used some 2000 years after the fact to help pin point the birth of Jesus.)
    Anyhow – as for the scary movie so what? Let people use their free will to decide how and what they’ll do this season. Most have turned their backs on the true meaning of Christmas and instead partake in the Madison Avenue created cash cow (aka the idolic golden calf). But that’s just my ever so loving humble opinion.
    Have a Merry Merry and a Happy Happy y’all!
    Christmas was placed in December to help convert Romans who were celebrating Saturnalia. We don’t know for sure when Jesus was actually born but many astronomers and religious scholars believe it was in the spring around March or April. They reached this conclusion from secular and religious accounts of astronomical phenomen and historical accounts of tax collections and sheep grazing patterns (kind of cool that some poor shepeard’s day planner was used some 2000 years after the fact to help pin point the birth of Jesus.)
    Anyhooo – as for the scary movie so what? Let people use their free will to decide how and what they’ll do this season. Most have turned their backs on the true meaning of Christmas and instead partake in the Madison Avenue created cash cow (aka the idolic golden calf). But that’s just my ever so loving humble opinion.
    Have a Merry Merry and a Happy Happy y’all!

  • Isn’t that Easter – Take 2

    Not sure why it posted twice in the same entry but here is the post just once (with proper spelling)
    I second what EPro said. As a devout Christian I can assure you that Easter is the holiest day on our calendar, not Christmas.
    Christmas was placed in December to help convert Romans who were celebrating Saturnalia. We don’t know for sure when Jesus was actually born but many astronomers and religious scholars believe it was in the spring around March or April. They reached this conclusion from secular and religious accounts of astronomical phenomena and historical accounts of tax collections and sheep grazing patterns (kind of cool that some poor shepherd’s day planner was used some 2000 years after the fact to help pin point the birth of Jesus.)
    Anyhow – as for the scary movie so what? Let people use their free will to decide how and what they’ll do this season. Most have turned their backs on the true meaning of Christmas and instead partake in the Madison Avenue created cash cow (aka the idolic golden calf). But that’s just my ever so loving humble opinion.
    Have a Merry Merry and a Happy Happy y’all!

  • jack

    They complain about this, but they didn’t utter a peep when Mel Gibson released his horror movie graphicly depicting Jesus being tortured for Easter. They even begged everybody to see it, I doubt this silly flick even has as much gore and depravity that The Passion had. I’m a Christian, and I had absolutely no desire to watch my savior be tortured for two hours, but a lot of the loony wing of Christianity seemed to get off on it, those people need help.

  • skbnwinters

    “Some homicidal Ho! Ho! Ho! during the most wonderful time of the year — well, that’s just funny.”–Have you LOST YOUR MIND?
    “As a Christian myself”….I find this repulsive beyond words and am known to have a totally wired sense of humor so that isn’t the problem. There is a time and place for everything and THIS IS OUT OF PLACE. Kapisch?!

  • James Derek Dwyer

    religion and hollywood only have one thing in common. They are both boring as hell…

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