An open letter to ABC's newest 'Bachelor'

113635__andy_baldwin_lDear U.S. Navy Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, M.D.,

Condolences Congratulations on accepting ABC’s offer to star in the spring 2007 edition of their reality-dating franchise, The Bachelor. Far be it from me to tell you how to conduct your quest for love — after all, you’re an "undersea medical officer" and accomplished triathlete, I’m sure you can handle juggling 25 intoxicated she-beasts — but keep in mind that you’ve got a second task to perform: entertaining the masses. That’s where I can help, Andy. In fact, I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a Five-Step Plan for Making Your Upcoming Season the Most Entertaining in Bachelor History. Feel free to print it out and keep it in your pocket as you start your Bachelor journey.

1. Speaking of which, if you find yourself repeatedly saying the word "journey" (or the phrase "strong feelings") or describing your favorite bachelorettes as "awesome," "amazing," or "great," then, seriously, it’s time to flex your internal thesaurus. (For the record, that’s not one of the muscles that’s part of your fat-free, body-hair-free physique.)

2. ABC’s dossier on you describes your "self-deprecating sense of humor." I’ve got my doubts, but try to prove me wrong on this one, okay?

3. As long as there’s alcohol in the room, keep drinking it. I know, it’s not the respectable thing to do as an officer and a gentleman, but chugging the hooch is a crucial part of your tour of duty. As we learned from erstwhile Bachelor Charlie O’Connell, it’s not the memories of stilted dinner-date chatter, but rather, hazy images of body shots and dirty dancing that last once love fades.

addCredit(“Andy Baldwin: Warner Bros”)

4. Oh, and about those dinner dates? You don’t have to be like every other Bachelorwho’s come before you and limit your conversations to the mind-numbingminutiae of your relationships with the show’s various women. Hang onto the things that made you a human being before you became a realityTV star, like how you saved $25,000 for college before graduating highschool, or your degree in biology (with a concentration in genetics),or the way you treated Laotian villagers in need of medical attentionwhen you accompanied a military team to that country earlier this year.Really, we Bachelor fans will take just about anything — as long as it isn’t about "boundaries" and "emotions" and "fantasy suites."

5. Oh, OK, I lied. We totally want to hear about the fantasy suites.

Anyway, hope I’ve been some help to you. Feel free to check back at PopWatch as we mercilessly mock excitedly cheer your quest for love come spring.

Respectfully,
Slezak


Comments (27 total) Add your comment
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  • Josh

    Did we really need four bachelor-related posts in the last three days?

  • Jasmine

    Blargh! I am so sick of these bachelor’s looking like the generic, every-man. “Prince” Lorenzo was a total troll with the WORST haircut and now this guy…BOOORING.
    Would it be so bad if we had a bachelor of colour?
    Would the ratings plummet if it wasn’t a white man? This show is so annoying formulaic!!!

  • Ceballos

    Seriously Slezak, I beg you…NO…MORE…BACHELOR

  • Telly B

    Seriously, ABC…is it so hard to find an atractive, well-to-do, intelligent, well-adjusted man that also happens to be Black, Latino or Asian?
    Jeesus fricking Christ…all these Bachelors are so indistinct/bland/generic/cookie cutter boring and lame.
    I am so appalled that ABC doesn’t even pretend to care…they just keep chuggging away with the lily white train of dull men.
    And no, I have no problem with white men, I am caucasian myself, but I think it’s repugnant that ABC seems to be sending a message about there being no “worthy” men of color that could have plenty of women to compete for them…
    Withe The Bachelor’s progressively decreasing ratings, maybe a Bachelor of color is what the show needs to actually create buzz and a surge in ratings…

  • ag

    I don’t care what the topic is, even if it IS the painful, I-can’t-believe-it’s-still-on Bachelor, I will happily read anything Slezak writes. Dude rocks.

  • amber

    Thank you Jasmine and Telly B, all the Bachelors look the same and it’s obviously not working for them. C’mon ABC change it up a little!!!

  • Marci

    Does he loook like Mark Paul Gosseler to anyone else? I just glanced at it and I thought that was who it was.

  • Vance

    This guy is totally hot and the best thing since sliced bread. In fact, he’s kinda like Wonder bread. White and Bland (just the way I like it)

  • Julie

    Count me in as a merciless mocker!

  • cbc

    The dude has total gay face. Maybe the bachelor has a secret.

  • toni

    The only Bachelor that had any charisma or personality was Andrew Firestone! Find someone like him and I will watch it again!!!! Slezak THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH for your column I looked forward to getting to work on Wednesdays just to read your update on the show!! Great Work!!

  • Sam

    They do have a dating reality show for African Americans its the best show ever! Flavor of Love!!!!

  • Phil

    He looks gay. And the navy is known for being the gay division of the military.

  • Carrie

    I used to watch the bachelor frequently, but now I just glance at it for laughs. It’s not what it used to be. I am white and I find this show boring and agree with others, it’s bland and dull, and has not changed since it began, same formula does not work. At least Survivor tried mixing it up with color, this show has never had a person of any color be the bachelor. I don’t understand why good shows like Everwood and others get canceled yet the Bachelor is still on and way past it’s prime. ABC execs probably don’t watch.

  • Lisa

    To everyone who is commenting that all the bachelors are white — maybe everyone else has too much self-respect to do the show! Doesn’t he already have the “what have I done” expression on his face?

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