By now, you’ve probably heard the soul-crushing news that soon-to-be-divorced mother of two Britney Spears has been hitting the party circuit with alarmingly queasy pop singer Paris Hilton. Now, PopWatch brings you a not-quite-real transcript of their recent night out in Los Angeles.
Britney: Paris! Look! I wore green tonight to coordinate with your red dress and help us get in the Christmas spirit!
Paris: That’s hot. Why don’t you send another nasty text message to Lindsay Lohan? She’s fat.
Britney: You’re mean! (Giggling.) What should it say?
Paris: Tell her she’s a disgusting betch.
Britney: How do you spell that?
Paris: D-i-s-c-u-s-s… um… t-i-n-g.
Britney: Oh, right. Sent!
Paris: Remember when I called her a firecrotch? (Laughs.)
Britney: Ohmigod, Paris, you’re such a bad influence. (Giggling.) I’ve got two kids, I have to be careful not to cuss in front of them after hanging out with you.
Paris: You have kids?
Britney: Paris! You, like, met them yesterday! Sean Preston and Lil’ Nugget? Don’t you remember?
Paris: Oh yeah, that’s hot. I want to adopt, too.
Britney: I didn’t adopt.
Paris: You should’ve adopted Zahara Jolie. Loves her.
Britney: I told you, I didn’t adopt! I got pregnant, went through hours of labor.
Paris: Eww. That’s gross.
Britney: It’s the miracle of life, y’all!
Paris: That time I went to the studio to record my album was like giving birth. Except I didn’t get fat.
Britney: Ohmigod, "Stars Are Blind" was awesome.
Paris: I know.
(Long silence)
Britney: Soooo…what else do you wanna talk about?
Paris: Let’s send a nasty text message to Lindsay Lohan.
Britney: Another one?
Paris: Totally. I hate her.
Britney: I dunno. Shouldn’t we do something more productive? Like go to another club and pose for the pavarotti?
Paris: Come on. If you send one more mean message to Lindsay, I’ll do the same to Kevin. What’s his number?
Britney: (Sighs.) For the last time, Paris, you cannot have Kevin’s digits.
(Long silence)
Paris: Betch.
Comments (1-30) of 47 Add your comment
Hilarious. I love how you worked in Brit’s trademark “Y’all”
Brilliant. You write better than most of the screenwriters out there. You’re hot, Slezak.
Come on,man…….do you really think their conversation would be THAT intelligent?
After K-fed Brittney hanging out with Paris is conisdered what? A lateral move?
Somebody needs to PhotoShop in Lindsay Lohan or Eva Longoria so the photo caption can read Ho Ho Ho.
funniest thing I’ve read all day. (that includes the comments)
Slezak, you’re hysterical, I love you!
Loved it. We’re laughing so hard, we’re disrupting our philosophy lecture.
Loved it. We’re laughing so hard, we’re disrupting our philosophy lecture.
Loved it. We’re laughing so hard, we’re disrupting our philosophy lecture.
Loved it. We’re laughing so hard, we’re disrupting our philosophy lecture.
Great work Slezak, except Britney didn’t spend hours in labor, she scheduled her c-sections y’all! The most pain she ever felt were the anesthetic needles.
Brittany’s manager better take control, from being married to white trash to hanging out with a skank who is not respected. Madonna would never hand with Paris–Brittany needs to be a little more elistist with who she keeps company, or she never be taken seriously again.
Slezak, you are the awesome
I feel sad even saying this, but I’m slightly disappointed. I really thought she might take a second chance at her career seriously. Oh well….I guess we should see another sobbing Britney with Matt Lauer asking the photographers to please stay away-but this time with Paris in tote.
Fantastically well as usual Mr. Slezak.
You know, though…I find it hard to believe that Brit wouldn’t have happily dumped Fed-Ex into some other poptrash tart’s lap. Paris and K-Fed go together like peas and carrots (because, you know, stupid is as stupid does).
Besides, now that BS is looking to get back into music, she has quash the competition, and that includes wannabes like Paris. What better way to bring them down, then by unleashing a little KFed? I mean, it happened to BS, so why not spread the hurt to rivals? Shoot, I would.
But that’s because I can be a prat from time to time. *evil grin*
LOL!! Loving the use of “betch.” Total valleygirl speak.
Custody suicide, you have got to be kidding me!
Careful, Brit, or you’ll bring some nasty virus home to your boys from that skeezeball you’re partying with. Who knows where that thing’s been? Oh yeah, right… we all do.
Pretty funny. There are a lot of Paris and Briney jokes on a humor site I like at http://www.Humor-and-Jokes.com/ in their Celebrity section. It seems the public can’t get enough of Paris and Britney and it was inevitable the two would team up.
a friend of mine referred to their festive outfits as “the elves of babylon.” i like it.
Britney is even dumber than I thought. If she wanted to REALLY be taken seriously, she would have done a complete image overhaul…wear classy clothes, ditch the strawlike burnt extensions and show she’s a loving and responsible Mom (those poor kids).
Instead the “new” Britney dresses even sleazier (if that were possible), hangs with the trashy Paris and notorious party girl Lindsay Lohan and goes clubbing every night. Not defending K-Fed, but methinks that he
may not have been TOTALLY responsible in making Britney look extra-trashy in the past couple of years. Because even solo, she’s low class.
Kick ass, Slezak! You just totally made my week!
Michael!!!
LMAO! Thank you so much for my early christmas present! I laughed so hard at this, my co workers thought I went crazy..
Fantastic. Absolutely hilarious.
Brit, if you were looking to be taken seriously, hanging out with Paris is not the way to go. From one attention-craving idiot to another, Brit’s a lost cause.
Did this picture mistakenly get attached to the wrong item – isn’t this supposed to be an illustration of the new trangendered soap opera character? (… although most transgendered people I know have better make-up and clothing!) Keep up the good work Slezak – you make my day!)
Even scarier than this was Meredith Vieira interviewing the Olsen twins on the Today show this morning – did anyone see that??? Despite their vast evil empire, they came off like lobotomized idiots – no wonder they avoid interviews! They seriously made Paris and Britney seem like geniuses.
Wonder hos power activate!
Britney: In form of an irresponsible slutty mom who will married jobless hobos!
Paris: In form of a brainless STD who will totally firecrotch you a$$ in a second! Betch!
Wonder hos ATTACK!
“It’s the miracle of life, ya’ll”…brilliant!