By now, you’ve probably heard the soul-crushing news that soon-to-be-divorced mother of two Britney Spears has been hitting the party circuit with alarmingly queasy pop singer Paris Hilton. Now, PopWatch brings you a not-quite-real transcript of their recent night out in Los Angeles.
Britney: Paris! Look! I wore green tonight to coordinate with your red dress and help us get in the Christmas spirit!
Paris: That’s hot. Why don’t you send another nasty text message to Lindsay Lohan? She’s fat.
Britney: You’re mean! (Giggling.) What should it say?
Paris: Tell her she’s a disgusting betch.
Britney: How do you spell that?
Paris: D-i-s-c-u-s-s… um… t-i-n-g.
Britney: Oh, right. Sent!
Paris: Remember when I called her a firecrotch? (Laughs.)
Britney: Ohmigod, Paris, you’re such a bad influence. (Giggling.) I’ve got two kids, I have to be careful not to cuss in front of them after hanging out with you.
Paris: You have kids?
Britney: Paris! You, like, met them yesterday! Sean Preston and Lil’ Nugget? Don’t you remember?
Paris: Oh yeah, that’s hot. I want to adopt, too.
Britney: I didn’t adopt.
Paris: You should’ve adopted Zahara Jolie. Loves her.
Britney: I told you, I didn’t adopt! I got pregnant, went through hours of labor.
Paris: Eww. That’s gross.
Britney: It’s the miracle of life, y’all!
Paris: That time I went to the studio to record my album was like giving birth. Except I didn’t get fat.
Britney: Ohmigod, "Stars Are Blind" was awesome.
Paris: I know.
(Long silence)
Britney: Soooo…what else do you wanna talk about?
Paris: Let’s send a nasty text message to Lindsay Lohan.
Britney: Another one?
Paris: Totally. I hate her.
Britney: I dunno. Shouldn’t we do something more productive? Like go to another club and pose for the pavarotti?
Paris: Come on. If you send one more mean message to Lindsay, I’ll do the same to Kevin. What’s his number?
Britney: (Sighs.) For the last time, Paris, you cannot have Kevin’s digits.
(Long silence)
Paris: Betch.
Hilarious. I love how you worked in Brit’s trademark “Y’all”
Brilliant. You write better than most of the screenwriters out there. You’re hot, Slezak.
Come on,man…….do you really think their conversation would be THAT intelligent?
After K-fed Brittney hanging out with Paris is conisdered what? A lateral move?
Somebody needs to PhotoShop in Lindsay Lohan or Eva Longoria so the photo caption can read Ho Ho Ho.
funniest thing I’ve read all day. (that includes the comments)
Slezak, you’re hysterical, I love you!
Loved it. We’re laughing so hard, we’re disrupting our philosophy lecture.
Loved it. We’re laughing so hard, we’re disrupting our philosophy lecture.
Loved it. We’re laughing so hard, we’re disrupting our philosophy lecture.
Loved it. We’re laughing so hard, we’re disrupting our philosophy lecture.
Great work Slezak, except Britney didn’t spend hours in labor, she scheduled her c-sections y’all! The most pain she ever felt were the anesthetic needles.
Brittany’s manager better take control, from being married to white trash to hanging out with a skank who is not respected. Madonna would never hand with Paris–Brittany needs to be a little more elistist with who she keeps company, or she never be taken seriously again.
Slezak, you are the awesome
I feel sad even saying this, but I’m slightly disappointed. I really thought she might take a second chance at her career seriously. Oh well….I guess we should see another sobbing Britney with Matt Lauer asking the photographers to please stay away-but this time with Paris in tote.