By now, you’ve probably heard the soul-crushing news that soon-to-be-divorced mother of two Britney Spears has been hitting the party circuit with alarmingly queasy pop singer Paris Hilton. Now, PopWatch brings you a not-quite-real transcript of their recent night out in Los Angeles.
Britney: Paris! Look! I wore green tonight to coordinate with your red dress and help us get in the Christmas spirit!
Paris: That’s hot. Why don’t you send another nasty text message to Lindsay Lohan? She’s fat.
Britney: You’re mean! (Giggling.) What should it say?
Paris: Tell her she’s a disgusting betch.
Britney: How do you spell that?
Paris: D-i-s-c-u-s-s… um… t-i-n-g.
Britney: Oh, right. Sent!
Paris: Remember when I called her a firecrotch? (Laughs.)
Britney: Ohmigod, Paris, you’re such a bad influence. (Giggling.) I’ve got two kids, I have to be careful not to cuss in front of them after hanging out with you.
Paris: You have kids?
Britney: Paris! You, like, met them yesterday! Sean Preston and Lil’ Nugget? Don’t you remember?
Paris: Oh yeah, that’s hot. I want to adopt, too.
Britney: I didn’t adopt.
Paris: You should’ve adopted Zahara Jolie. Loves her.
Britney: I told you, I didn’t adopt! I got pregnant, went through hours of labor.
Paris: Eww. That’s gross.
Britney: It’s the miracle of life, y’all!
Paris: That time I went to the studio to record my album was like giving birth. Except I didn’t get fat.
Britney: Ohmigod, "Stars Are Blind" was awesome.
Paris: I know.
Britney: Soooo…what else do you wanna talk about?
Paris: Let’s send a nasty text message to Lindsay Lohan.
Britney: Another one?
Paris: Totally. I hate her.
Britney: I dunno. Shouldn’t we do something more productive? Like go to another club and pose for the pavarotti?
Paris: Come on. If you send one more mean message to Lindsay, I’ll do the same to Kevin. What’s his number?
Britney: (Sighs.) For the last time, Paris, you cannot have Kevin’s digits.