'The Bachelor': Sweet, sweet fantasy, baby!

145221__lisa_lDid you realize that last night we already reached the point in The Bachelor: Rome where Lorenzo invites the three remaining women to spend the night with him (not all at once, of course) in a so-called "fantasy suite"? (That’s a rhetorical question.) In the course of one hour, I counted 18 mentions of the term "fantasy suite"/"fantasy card," and an additional six uses of everyone’s favorite overnight-date adjective, "intimate." It was the equivalent of the show’s producers slapping Post-its on our foreheads with the message: "THEY’RE SO GONNA DO IT TONIGHT!" With that in mind, credit must be given to Lorenzo (and his ladyfriends) for keeping the Spice-channeling to a minimum, so as not to repeat the lye-in-my-eye sting brought on last season when Travis and Susan brought the skankulous soft-core to their outdoor hot-tub romp. Anyhow, without further ado, let’s rank the dates in ascending order of hotness:

Lisa in Budapest: For a gal who allegedly knows her Bachelor playbook, how come Lisa (pictured) thought it was a good idea to dish previous season’s Bachelors in the midst of her overnight date? "Travis was hot, but he was a total tool. Seriously!" she rambled, while Lorenzo’s eyes bugged with alarm. And while you’ve got to hand the guy credit for pointedly asking why Lisa would bother applying for a show that hadn’t yet produced a single man she’d consider husband material, I still can’t understand why he invited her back to his suite. (Well, you know the producers demanded it, but still…) Anyhow, if pumping my fist and cheering as an eliminated Lisa sobbed uncontrollably in the limo makes me evil, then I ask you this: Where do I purchase my express ticket to Hell?

Jennifer in Sweden: This trip to a theme park in Göteborg would’vebeen so much better if Lorenzo (wearing his salmon-colored sweater ofseduction) had leaned over to Jen and told her he wanted her to treathis body like an amusement-park ride. But, alas, no dice. All we gotwas a stupid stuffed dog named Simon Fred (they couldn’t agree on aname for it, so that was their compromise) and Lorenzo hoping thatriding bumper cars would "bring out Jen’s emotions." Oh, that and Jenkissing Lorenzo with the kind of romantic enthusiasm typically reservedfor one’s elderly aunties. It’s so not on, people.

Sadie in Sicily: There comes a special time in every woman’s lifewhen, during her second or third non-group date with a suitor, shereceives a personalized invitation to lose her virginity during anintimate overnight date in a fantasy suite. All she has to do is putaside the fact that said suitor has shared similar sexytime with twoother women in the past week. And, oh, also that their foreplay will betelevised. Seriously, though, while I applaud Lorenzo for getting thepoint across on camera that he was only seeking alone-time in the suiteso he and Sadie could escape the cameras and talk, I couldn’t help but snickering like Beavis at all the double-entendres in the house.Like Sadie’s remark, "I’ve had many firsts [with Lorenzo]. I’venever had a massage outside in Sicily. I’ve never gone scuba diving.I’ve never flown a plane." (Are these just euphemisms I’m not familiarwith?) And did ABC really need to show Lorenzo helping Sadie with hermouthpiece and instructing her to "go down" in the pool during theirscuba lesson? Just think how special it’ll be to have that footagehandy someday when Lorenzo and Sadie’s grandkids plan their 50thwedding anniversary. Ain’t love grand?

Comments (15 total) Add your comment
  • LC

    LOL – Slezak, nobody does the Bachelor better than you. I miss the full blown re-caps! This show is sooo hilarious. Did you catch the pre-views for next week with Prince L shedding a GIANT tear………. it’s so fake I almost wet my pants!
    Poor Lisa she was like totally hyperventalting in the limo – get the girl a paper bag.

  • Julie

    Thank you Slezak, I waited all day for this.
    Didn’t see the whole show last night but I did see one cringe-worthy moment (never a shortage of them on this show) where Jen was telling Lorenzo (in what I gathered was an answer to his question had she ever truly been in love) that she’d been in love Twice! Once when she was 16 (but it was real!)! and the second time all the way through college!

  • Ms Daisy

    Lisa was such a phony. Glad she got the boot. I don’t get the Jen thing at all – she has zero personality. Sadie has been my favorite all along and I’m glad she didn’t do the nasty with Lorenzo…it would have been a bit of a stretch for her to claim she’s saving herself for the man she’s going to marry and then hit the sheets with a man she’s only known a few weeks (who also happens to be dating 2 other women)!

  • Laurie

    I have been in school on Mondays for 8 weeks and completely missed my favorite worst show on TV until last night. Thank God for your updates Slezak or I would have been completely unprepared for the hilarity. The only thing I am disappointed about is that I completely missed the tiara girl. Insert Sad Clown Face.

  • Aneya

    Slezak you made my day! Loved the recap especially the “salmon colored sweater of seduction” lol, i was thinking to myself, who dressed this guy? Ya, thank god Lisa is out, she is a freak and a half, and did you hear her at the end “the night’s just gonna get better” S-L-U-T, god! LC, my friends and i had to go back and watch the fake tear fall again it was so hysterical!!l! love it…

  • yawn

    Sadie is the only one with a Princess-worthy name.

  • Faye

    Balki, I mean Lorenzo, looked just like Jerry Seinfeld when Enzo gave him that bad haircut that made him look like he was 12

  • sara

    poor Lisa. ho’s herself out on national TV to a guy who clearly had no interest in her whatsoever. that’s some classy TV.
    their families must be so proud.

  • Deana

    Jen is going to win this thing. I thought it telling when Lorenzo didn’t ask Sadie about moving to New York. Lorenzo said he was concerned about their chemistry behind closed doors. And Rightly so. Besides, he would be foolish to buy a car without test driving it first.

  • Dani

    At this point I am watching The bachelor only to read Slezak’s commentary. I laughed so loud my co-workers came down the hall to see if I was OK.

  • Kayla

    This is the most boring installment of The Bachelor ever; for that reason, I stopped watching a couple of weeks ago. I am sure I am not alone in not giving a hoot who he chooses…..

  • Abbey

    I am so with Kayla. I could care less about the Bachelor, but the commentary by Slezak is enough to keep me watching. Backwards, I know, but hey in this day and age we take our entertainment and our giggles where we can get them, right?

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  • CD Taylor

    According to Lorenzo’s interview he did not have sex
    with any of the women b/c of their worry about the other women. I figure that like most men if he had
    sex with any of the women he would be coy about it.
    No man would readily admit to NOT having sex with
    the women it was not true..it’s much easier to let the
    world think that he is sex machine.
    To me,this is quite refreshing considering the AIDS epidemic. The women are probably tested for STD’s maybe a week or two before the taping begins. People need to keep in mind that it may take some STD’s months to show up on a test upon exposure. Most STD’s don’t have symptoms. So if one of the ladies/Lorenzo had exposure to an STD less then three months prior to testing that STD may not show up.
    It is not worth dying to be on ‘The Bachelor’…
    I can’t wait for the Wedding :)

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    ‘The Bachelor': Sweet, sweet fantasy, baby!

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