Sweeps is/are here! Who, besides terrorists, doesn’t love sweeps? And you know what sweeps means: Twists! Turns! Stunts! And spoilers! A warning: The spoilers below are total crap. 100% pure fiction. I can’t be held accountable if any of these actually come true. I can, however, be hired as a consultant — any producers reading this? No? Too busy killing off kind-of-beloved characters/mouthy, demanding actors and shoehorning improbable sexual encounters into increasingly byzantine storylines? That’s cool.
McDonald’s sues McDreamy (pictured) over rights to his name. He loses and is McGulag-ed alongside long-imprisoned dissident Grimace. Meanwhile, the hospital is turned into a giant Chipotle. Everybody gets a free burrito and hooks up. That one guy turns out to be gay.
You thought Lost was on hiatus — idiots! Lost has fooled you again. Jack surgically removes Don Rickles from Ben’s back.
Shark prosecutes an actual shark (Michael Ironside)! Who will win: The real shark or the guy who calls himself “Shark”? The answer is… (MEGASPOILER-WITHIN-A-SPOILER ALERT!)… The real shark! James Woods is eaten alive! And… they’ve kind of written themselves into a corner.
Sue Costello is as funny as ever in her alternate-universe primetimehit. In this very special sweeps episode, Sue joins a splinter cell ofthe IRA.
TWO AND A HALF MEN/ACCORDING TO JIM
Rabies all around.
STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP
In an outlandish yet earned twist, the Democrats take Congress and voteto move the White House to Studio 60. Matt Albie becomes president ofeverything and makes peace between the Christian and the media–heathen. Banter is now mandatory throughout the land.
*I don’t watch this show. It’s about a bunch of doctors who sleep with each other, right?