Sweeps roundup: What to expect when you're expecting the unexpected

17448__greys_lSweeps is/are here! Who, besides terrorists, doesn’t love sweeps? And you know what sweeps means: Twists! Turns! Stunts! And spoilers! A warning: The spoilers below are total crap. 100% pure fiction. I can’t be held accountable if any of these actually come true. I can, however, be hired as a consultant — any producers reading this? No? Too busy killing off kind-of-beloved characters/mouthy, demanding actors and shoehorning improbable sexual encounters into increasingly byzantine storylines? That’s cool.

GREY’S ANATOMY*
McDonald’s sues McDreamy (pictured) over rights to his name. He loses and is McGulag-ed alongside long-imprisoned dissident Grimace. Meanwhile, the hospital is turned into a giant Chipotle. Everybody gets a free burrito and hooks up. That one guy turns out to be gay.

LOST
You thought Lost was on hiatus — idiots! Lost has fooled you again. Jack surgically removes Don Rickles from Ben’s back.

SHARK
Shark prosecutes an actual shark (Michael Ironside)! Who will win: The real shark or the guy who calls himself “Shark”? The answer is… (MEGASPOILER-WITHIN-A-SPOILER ALERT!)… The real shark! James Woods is eaten alive! And… they’ve kind of written themselves into a corner.

addCredit(“Patrick Dempsey: Frank Ockenfels/ABC”)

COSTELLO
Sue Costello is as funny as ever in her alternate-universe primetimehit. In this very special sweeps episode, Sue joins a splinter cell ofthe IRA.

TWO AND A HALF MEN/ACCORDING TO JIM
Rabies all around.

STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP
In an outlandish yet earned twist, the Democrats take Congress and voteto move the White House to Studio 60. Matt Albie becomes president ofeverything and makes peace between the Christian and the media–heathen. Banter is now mandatory throughout the land.

*I don’t watch this show. It’s about a bunch of doctors who sleep with each other, right?


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  • marykate

    HA!
    I love that Shark gets eaten by a real shark. James Woods deserves that.
    Also, hilarious that Seattle Grace gets turned into a Chipotle.

  • monica

    RABIES ALL AROUND?!
    scott brown…i know i’ve said it before, but…i love you.

  • Mab

    Meredith decides to inflict her own personal brand of medicinal whining on Doctors without Borders leaving the hospital forever. McDreamy can’t cope. He leaves to go to another hospital in an effort to deal with this stupendously emotional turn of events. The death rate at this new hospital immeditately goes up. He meets a Meredith clone at the airport and suddenly it’s Meredith? Meredith who?
    McSteamy proposes to Callie… (Sara Ramirez, right?That gorgeous woman you have in your mag in your “Five Questions” slot? BTW, Scott, Five questions with Allison Mack? Jensen Ackles? Oh my, Jeffery Dean Morgan! Damn, that would be good.)… and in a wedding while he’s performing plastic surgery to change the life of a kid who has been affected by a suitably rare and exotic disease he declares his undying love for her. A nurse who was ordained online in order to perform a family wedding the week before marries them right there and then. Every show needs a wedding!
    George comes out of the closet and Christina declares she is actually preparing to undergo sexual reassignment surgery. George promises to help her through it thereby igniting a spark between them. Meantime, Burke’s mom takes him to a mountain retreat to cope with this turn of events. Alex, you know…shags someone.
    And the grand-finale? Izzy discovers Denny has an identical twin brother who has come to meet the woman who made his brother’s last days bearable and promptly (what, an hour isn’t prompt?) falls for him and the show ends with her baking choc-chip cookies blisfully happy.

  • Mab

    BTW, Smallville? Temp Lois falls into a vat of Kryptonite and develops a Sonic Scream. She leaves with Green Arrow to go be a florist in Star City in preparation for the CW’s new show, Green Arrow-ville. (We all know it’s coming)
    Supernatural: The Roadhouse goes up in flames taking Ellen, Jo and Gordon. But most especially Jo. Ellen and Gordon can be revealed after sweeps to have survived this tragedy. The Winchester Brothers meantime find out what the HELL is it about Sam that John told Dean before he died. Jeez. The wait is killing me.
    Gilmore Girls: Tyra Banks does a special one off show of ANTM in Stars Hollow. After much angsting and discussions about her future, Rory enters and wins. Excited beyond belief she leaves with her beau in tow (whoever he is). Lorelai aghast that her daughter would through Yale away like that follows increasing the whine-quotient in LA expoenentially when she does.
    Luke and Christopher bond over their experiences with Lorelai and vow never to let her have that much power over them. After a night of binge-drinking they have a drunken night together and wake up in bed next to one another. Not as upset as they pretend to be, Christopher moves permanently to Stars Hollow and developes a taste for coffee. Luke discovers that he’s glad he escaped Lorelai’s clutches and counts his lucky stars for a night of binge-drinking and puts more coffee on. They live happily ever after until after sweeps when Christopher moves into the diner and the show ends there.

  • Shelby

    Who cares about all these shows when Madonna’s concert is being shown on the 22nd of the month! Can’t wait for THE CONFESSIONS TOUR: LIVE FROM LONDON!!! Yipeeee

  • evie

    Grey’s would be so much better if it got turned into a Chipotle…they would make the most outrageous Mexican concoctions ever created: “This Burrito Bol just gave birth to 4 crispy tacos! I need guac, stat!” Now please excuse me while I go fantasize about Patrick Dempsey smothered in melted cheese.

  • Jennifer

    McGulag-ed? Scott, I love you.

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