Unlikely rapper of the day: Gwyneth Paltrow

So by now, you’ve probably heard about last night’s Jay-Z concert in London, the one that featured guest appearances by Beyoncé (performing ”Crazy in Love” and ”Déjà Vu”), Coldplay’s Chris Martin (on ”Heart Of The City (Ain’t No Love)”), and most surprisingly, Martin’s wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, who showed up to provide backing vocals on ”Song Cry.” (Maybe she was just seeking a creative way to celebrate her 34th birthday.) What you may not have heard (probably because it didn’t happen) was the way Gwyn-P grabbed the mic from Jigga himself and proceeded to throw down her own rap interlude during Crazy in Love.” PopWatch has the lyrics; we’ll leave it to you guys to judge her flow.

Young Moses
He know his mom’s flow is loco
Young Ap to the p-l-e, uh-oh
Jay-Z, Gwyn’s homie
The one and only
I’m stick boney, but my Oscar is fat like Mo’Nique
(And Soprano)

The Gwyn handles
Like Van Axel
I rocked Shakespeare man, you can’t get next to
The genuine article, in Duets I sing, oh
I sling though, and at my premieres, I bling yo
A star like Ringo

Roll down the red carpet
Coldplay, bring ya whole set
Gwyneth’s got the range! Her rivals got the mange!
They can’t figure her out, they like, ”Her accent is insane!”
Yes sir, I’m known to hang with Madonna
My Mom’s got two Emmys, and I’ve got an Oscah

Been avoiding the tabloid press
How you think I avoid looking stressed?
Realer than Lohan, I’m no hot mess,
Fall back men, ever since my head got boxed in Se7en
I’ve been movie heaven!

Comments (14 total) Add your comment
  • Ceballos

    Awesome Slezak…just great work.

  • Gretchen Weiners

    Michael you have true talent. What would make that even hotter is knowing that you knew all the original words by heart and you didn’t have to look it up. Because I know my homeboy’s got some crazy Beyonce love.

  • Lora

    I was having a bad day, Slezak, and you just made it all better

  • Phil

    Better she rap with Jigga than trying to do a duet with her husband. I recall she can actually hold a tune though from the single with Huey Lewis from DUETS, but I truly hope she never decides to duet with Chris Martin, much like the I-really-hope-its-as-awful-as-I-can-image duet from Britney & Kevin “Crazy” from his forthcoming disc due on Halloween. (The jokes will just write themselves.)
    Oh and Slezak, your fow is So-So (but pretty fly for a white guy!!!)

  • fredric

    Best use of the words “hot mess” in a song. Ever. (Disclaimer: I can’t actually recall the words ever being in a song, but tis a good idea…)

  • Fatima

    Michael. Bravo. Do the Top Model recap please! I know you would use hot mess during it~!

  • Laurie

    OMG. I can just imagine Gweneth throwing hand gestures while spillin your sweet swet rhymes. Thank you Michael! I could read your rap lyrics to anything.

  • newbie

    Another brilliant batch o’lyrics, Slezak! Well done! However, this may hover closer to possibility than you realize! Did anyone catch the Access Hollywood where Gweny-Gwen said that she would be spending her birthday at Jay-Z’s concert b/c he is her “best friend?” Since when? How did Billy Bush not follow up on this overstatement? What do Madonna and Stella and all of her fab Brit friends have to say about being replaced as BFFs?

  • katie g

    well that’s just genius.
    love it

  • Vivi

    Wow.
    Pure, pure genius. I could not stop laughing. OMGosh, so good.
    p.s. Thanks for TV Watch-ing “Ugly Betty”. You just made my (late, late) night.

  • california

    I love Gwen. This would be awesome for her to do if she hosted SNL. When Duets came out I was really surprised that was her singing on the single. She can carry a tune!
    And omg I am so horrified to learn that Britney did a duet with K-Fart. EWWWWWWWWWW.

  • warrior62

    US people, you are so stupid, get out of our countries
    instead of offend every single person who go away from your country!

  • Jewlicious

    Yo, Gwyneth Paltrow Raps!

    Well, not exactly. But Gwyneth did join Jay-Z on stage at Mr. Beyonces concert in London at the Royal Albert Hall, singing background vocals (aack! kol isha!) for Song Cry.
    I wasnt there, having never been to London, but eve…

  • Esther Kustanowitz

    So, at first, I only skimmed the post, and missed the words “probably because it didn’t happen”–so you got me, initially. But as soon as I started reading those crazy-dope lyrics, I knew you weren’t for realz, yo.

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