Cloonfry? Oprorge? Cloprah? They don’t elide nicely. They’re not an intuitive couple. But George Clooney and Oprah Winfrey have something in common: They’re candidacy deniers. Both have been tagged with having political, even presidential ambitions. Both have issued cordial demurrals, though Oprah’s lawyers also issued a cease-and-desist to the creator of www.oprah08.net, an increasingly popular Oprah for President site, before the Queen herself retracted it — just to be nice, mind you, not because she’s actually running. (She’s got too much on her plate as it is, annexing outer space.)
Well, get to drafting my cease-and-desist letter, Harpo lawyerbeasts, because from this moment on, I’m pushing the Cloprah ticket: Oprah for president, Clooney as (heh, heh) vice, baby. I make my endorsement apolitically, strictly as an entertainment journalist. When entertainers are elected to high office, I become, by association, more relevant, and perhaps better-paid. (It’s true: When Schwarzenegger won the recall, each EW staff member received a large vegan ham.)
What would Cloprah do for America? Well, adult males would only be allowed to vote if already subscribed to GQ or equivalent, and would be required to demonstrate ”smolder” at their polling place. Applicants to civil service positions would be required to diagram and explain the plot of Syriana. The words ”Batman,” ”and,” and ”Robin” would be banned from the English language, as would all references to ”nipple suits.”
Women, when rising from any sitting position, anywhere in thenation, could expect to find something nice — a tax rebate, a littleextra health-care — under their seats. This seems expensive, but not whenyou consider Oprah’s plan to increase the country’s GNP with pureenthusiasm, roof-raising gestures, and exhortations of ”you go, GNP!”And if that doesn’t work, she will open her Golden Silos and allow thepopulace to backstroke, like Scrooge McDuck, in her wealth.
And the Cabinet! I think Steadman, all acrimony aside, would make anexcellent Secretary of Discretion. Brad Pitt is a lock for NationalGrooming Advisor.
Cloprah in ’08: You can’t deny it.