Some ideas are so bad, they’re good, while others are so bad, they’re just bad. How does one separate a bad-good idea from a bad-bad idea? One asks you, gentle reader. Take the three examples below:
1. It’s rumored that Stallone will take over the Predator franchise. ”What Predator franchise?” you ask. ”You mean the Alien vs. Predator franchise?” Nope. This would be made AFTER the totally unanticipated AVP2. Meaning it would be super unanticipated — and a complete surprise! But what kind of surprise? The ”oh-look-a-20-in-my-winter-jacket” kind of surprise? Or the ”oh-look-a-rubbery monster-from-the-‘80s-fighting-the-Predator” kind of surprise? BAD-GOOD? BAD-BAD? OR BATTLEFIELD EARTH?
2. Nip/Tuck creator Ryan Murphy, who officially passed the Postmaster General last week in Total Number of Envelopes Pushed, is busy scripting a new FX series about a married, transsexual sportswriter. It is, I am almost 100 percent certain, not based on the life and career of Tony Kornheiser, and will probably not star Jason Alexander. BAD-GOOD? BAD-BAD? OR FRANK-N-FURTER GOOD? (I say Frank-N-Furter good, if it’s a sensitive commitment to a fascinating character; bad, if it’s a Carver-ish shockshow hackjob. And yes, you may ”Duh!” me.)
3. Dustin ”Screech” Diamond, not content to offer mere advice on the carnal arts, is supposedly shopping a kinky, possibly scatalogical sex tape. BAD-BAD-BAD. Three bads. Bad Screech: No house for you. Bad America: If we’ve worked our way this far down the celebrity porno food chain, we should just make our own sex tapes. Lastly, Bad Porn Industry: Come, come, smut merchants — Screech? Is there really a market there? And, if so, should we encourage it? I don’t want to wake up in a world where Urkel and Alf are pretzeled together, egged on by a wild-eyed Mr. Belding. I just don’t.
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1. There are too many sequels. This smells of direct-to-video on a game. (Battlefield Earth bad)
2. Last night on Nip/Tuck, a woman went to a lesbian bar, was picked up and after a night of sex, had a KIDNEY stolen. This was treated as comic relief. (Frank-N-Furter bad.)
3. bad-bad bad
This is the time you tell us about something original and entertaining. Please!
That Screech thing just put me off my mid afternoon snack. Ewww!
I had heard about the Screech tape but not all that about it. OMG. Where’s Michael when you need him for a “The Comeback” reference. I do not need to see that!
Thanks for the mental meltdown I just had, Scott. Picture a bizarre mash-up of all three items: Freaky sex tape involving Screech, a transsexual and a Predator (and Stallone? isn’t he rumored to have dabbled in adult film way back in the day?). Jinkies.
Pardon me while I go scrub the ick from my brain.
Wow not only was AVP horrible, but a sequel seems downright idiodic. Wait…..wha? Another sequel after that? *cries deep down inside*
Scott, do I have to school you again brother? Let’s get started. Stallone heading up the Predator franchise isn’t bad, it’s hilarious. As in Bob Torriceli can’t be Senator anymore so his rival Frank Lautenberg is given Bob’s old job hilarious. I mean for real, the biggest 1980’s action star rivalry was Stallone/Swarzenegger. Stallone taking over for Predator would be like Swarzenegger taking over the “Rocky” franchise, or starring in “Judge Dredd II-the one without Rob Schneider”.
Okay, next is the whole Screech in porno thing. How can that be bad-bad? First, he joins the club of former child stars who had gone wrong (no need to footnote this one, you all know who I mean), the even more exclusive club of “Saved by the bell stars who ended up naked on camera” AND he joins the exclusive club of stars such as Roddy Rodey Piper, Sylvester Stallone (dude, how could you have missed the chance to tie Stallone and Screech together?), Paris Hilton, Colin Farrell, Kid Rock, Tonya Harding, Chloe Savigny (plus what’s his name who made “Brown Bunny”) and Pamela Anderson, the “we’ve seen you getting it on” club. Shucks, even Lindsay Lohan hasn’t made that list (yet). To me, that’s all “pretty cool” (as in beavis and Butthead would see a woman with three boobs say “that’s pretty cool”) in my book.
The sportscaster qualifies as bad bad in my book, but only because I don’t like Nip/Tuck (even though my girlfriend loves it so much she has it tivo’d every week).
Screech in Porno? It was bad enough when guy was selling T-Shirts to save his house, but selling his azz? That’s sadder than a guy with a regular job posting mean spirited comments on a blog during regular work hours.
Gee, I think the Stallone Predator movie sounds like a cool idea, it has to be better than AvP, as long as they get a better director. Maybe I’ll be in line alone, but I’ll go see it when it comes out.
Mike,
The nip/tuck kidney stolen thing wasn’t even the worst part of the episode — it was the Laura Ingalls affair with her dog thing. Eewwwww! I couldn’t look my own poor puppy in the eye all night. I think I’m off nip/tuck and anything else by its creators.
Ryan Murphey is an attention starved joke.
This is why I am not excited for Running With Scissors like I should be. He’s going to make Augusten’s life a joke.
1) Anything involving Stallone is bad news. When was the last time he’s had a hit movie? Or hit anything for that matter? And now he’s bringing back Rocky Balboa and considering joining the Predator “franchise”? Sorry, but lt’s face reality: he’s a franchise killer.
2) Nip/Tuck still kicks ass. Can’t wait to see Running With Scissors.
3) Who cares about Screech? He’s this generation’s Danny Bonaduce: former child star turned talentless hasbeen who’ll do ANYTHING to get attention. And in Screech’s case, I mean ANYTHING.
#2 sounds a bit similar to Dana Carvey’s “Lyle the Effeminet Heterosexual”.
#3 I KNEW IT!!! OH NO! My Mom told me yesterday and I was laughing so friggin hard! OK, a little history here. Who was Scotty Schwartz? Anyone? Back when I was a kid Schwartz did a bunch of advertisments for Lionel Kiddie City Toy Stores. He then went on to be the kid who got his tounge stuck on a metal flag pole in “A Christmas Story”. When he got older and wound up in Screeches position, he did the only thing that he could do-porn.
He was bad at what he tried to do and Screech will not only be bad it will be so bad it will be on You Tube, edited and hilarious.
oh, Ryan Murphy is soooo brilliant. he’s crazy! Nip/Tuck stinks, and pushing the envelope just to push the envelope is just plain boring. the difference is simple: David Lynch, legitimately twisted. Ryan Murphy and Alan Ball, forced and fake twisted…
Stallone’s last hit was Spy Kids 3, that was only 3 years ago. People have the attention span of a gnat these days.
Screech doing porn has to be one of the most horrifying (yet unsurprising) recent “celebrity” shockers. Ugh, I feel dirty. “Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day” sounds more appealing than this…
well, the only thing interesting about screech porn is that he’s suppposedly extremely well, large, and now he can actually prove/disprove it.
Me,
The only thing “large” about him is his ego.
Porn Camera
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