So the news is not-at-all-official: Us Weekly is reporting that Tom and Katie have set a date for their wedding. "DAYS AWAY!" the cover crows… which means there are but mere moments remaining in which to speculate on who will and won’t be invited to the ceremony, which will either take place on top of the Scientology Center in LA, complete with circling news helicopters and the Goodyear Blimp, or in a cave somewhere outside Butte, Montana, with no one but the jackals in attendance.
Provided they go the deluxe route, the celebrity guest turnout could be spectacular. Will Smith and Jada will be there. And certainly Travolta and Kelly Preston, as well as Leah Remini and… uh, whoever she’s married to or whatever. Perhaps some of the Washington Redskins defensive line will handle security.
But who won’t get a save-the-date card? There’s the rub. Obvs, Sharon Osbourne is out. Katie’s ex Josh Jackson might be an awkward chat at the reception, and Van Der Beek is just a tool. I’m betting Matt Lauer is also not going to be welcome, because there’s nothing worse than some glib guy getting up to make a toast. And I’m just taking a stab in the dark and saying that Sumner Redstone might be otherwise occupied that day.
Who am I missing here? Let’s pitch in to help these kids tie the knot. Weddings are very stressful, even for us civilians, and don’t forget, celebrities are just like us! PopWatchers, guest-list duties are all yours…
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shrinks and more shrinks
I hope the following have RSVP’d for this shin-diggity:
1. Reality
2. Prozac
3. Katie’s Brain
4. Tom’s Real boyfriend
Seriously, ’bout time those 2 saw these folks!
Who I would love to see RSVP’d:
1. Chris Klein – it’s ok, he won’t ACT sad, because he doesn’t know how to!
2. Nicole Kidman – maybe Keith Urban could sing their first dance as man and wife!
3. Brooke Shields – now that they have made nice together, hopefully she could do a beautiful Scientology/Anti-Depressants monologue to symbolize the unity of these two crazies.
4. Trey Parker and Matt Stone – GROOMSMEN!
Issac Hays-invited
Brooke Shields-not invited
Nicole Kidman-Invited
Keith Urban-not invited
Stephen Spielberg-Invited
Chris Klein-not invited
Alannis Morrisette-Uninvited
How about Brad and Angelina? Didn’t Tom and Brad do a vampire movie together? Do you think Brad and Angie can ATTEND a wedding?
How can y’all forget OPRAH!?!?! She has GOT TO BE INVITED!!!!!!!! Speaking of talkshow divas, what about Rosie O’Donell & her lesbian lover?
I really want to know about Brooke Shields, since he so sincerely apologized her privately when he had regurgitated such crap about her publicly… Is she going?
Rock Hudson and Van Johnson and their wives. I think L. Ron, from the dead, can raise them from the dead.
Also Elsa Lancaster and Charles Laughton.
Why doesn’t Tom just admit he is a Homo!
Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger of course.
Haven’t Tom and Katie been said to be getting married “soon, in the [fill in the upcoming season]” ever since they got engaged? And I haven’t heard too much from US Weekly lately on the Vince/Jen engagement, either. But a wedding would fit Tom’s latest PR offensive to rehab his image after the freefall of the past year and a half. We’ve already had the Brooke apology, the baby photos as a media event (accompanied by an interview where Katie allegedly managed to string together more than two complex sentences at a time), Katie appearing with her mom and Tom’s mom for lunch at the oh-so private *rolls eyes* Ivy restaurant, and Tom wearing a suit and sunglasses to a Monday Night Football game, complete with Jamie Foxx’s cheerleading in the commentary booth and Katie doing her best “Jackie O at a funeral” impersonation. What else is there for Tom to do but have a splashy, star filled “wedding of the year”? He can’t “rescue” someone else from a sinking boat or from their car wreck on the side of the road again, because the media ain’t buying it anymore.
Jeff Strykir and Pee Wee Herman are suppose to be invited
Chirs Klein can’t show – don’t want anyone realizing how much Suri looks like him!
Sassanach:
Excellent points. Also, if Jennifer Aniston and JLo had been pregnant as often as reported they could open up their own school by now. The real question here is what the hell is the matter with Katie Holmes? Insiders say she actually had to interview to get this Cruise gig, and that their deal is being backed by some of the biggest hollywood power players, but still. How could she bring a child into this and continue to subject herself to all this craziness. I’ve never been on the A list, but I can’t imagine it’s worth all this.
Don’t forget the gals from “The View”!
Do you think Tom invited any of his friends from Paramount? What about Mel Gibson?
Is anyone starting a pool on how long this will last? Put me down for 20 months.
I don’t know if Tom and Kirstie Alley are friends but mayber her if they became friends through Travolta or the “church”
Enough already about the Butte, MT jokes!! That was always where the FBI agents got demoted when they messed up. Anyway, better not be this weekend as a Canadian cold front is a visit’in and there’s snow in them thar hills coming. Hey maybe the cave is not such a bad idea after all.
I don’t know who will be attending this cult wedding, but don’t drink the Kool-Aid at the reception.
I would love to see Nicole Kidman show up. The whole akwardness would overshadow the wedding itself! LOL.
Oprah should wear her best long shinny boots.. crash their party and jump up on the reception table, and go crazy squashing the cake! “Blue Lagoon” Pinatas anyone?
Clair Booth:
You are comical! I laughed so hard while reading your post. If you went into comedy, the room would be standing-room only. Thanks for the laugh.
LOL’d at the part about Van Der Beek. Well played.
I heard that after the wedding, Tom will juggle twelve golden retriever puppies, save six homeless schoolchildren from a fire, personally heal ninety-seven wheelchair-bound car crash victims, and hand out coupons for free beer and gas to everyone in the continental U.S.
Tom’s Ego – Check (will require own table)
Katie’s Brain (fresh from the lab in a hermetically sealed petri dish) – TBD
Suri Cruise (Klein) – TBD (they don’t let that kid out much)
Rosie O’Donnell – Check
Assorted Thetans – Check
Assorted Helatrobians – Not invited (however, known party crashers, so be very alert and aware)
Mike – Have to tell you I’m still cracking myself up over the Alannis shout out. Kudos for being so awake and alert on a Friday morning!
Does ANYONE really actully BELIEVE that these two are going to get married and that Tom is NOT gay? Get over yourself TOM, no one really cares if your gay or not…..really, really!
So Tom and Kat wants to get married now. She looks so sad in the recent pictures of him. She needs to take Suri and head for the hills.
Brooke Shields HAS to be invited for the PR to work.
Oprah HAS to go so she can talk about it on her show.
Pretty sure Conan O’Brien won’t be invited after his PRICELESS cartoon on the Emmy Awards program!