Dear CSI: Miami:
We’ve both been going through the motions for a while now: me, recording you on the bedroom DVR, then dozing off before you’ve had a chance to show me your "shocking" weekly twists; you, offering up increasingly nonsensical crimes and culprits, and trying to woo me with intimate details about your characters’ personal lives. We’ve got to face facts. This isn’t working anymore for either one of us — certainly not the blush-worthy Horatio-Marisol murdered bride subplot! — and, well, I think we should see other people.
Seriously. Think about it. You can get down with folks who think it’s interesting and/or funny to watch David Caruso remove his Aviators mid-line reading. And me, well, actually, I’ve already sort of met someone else. Over at NBC. It’s just in the early stages, but so far, so good. And no, it’s got nothing to do with the fact that its title starts with Stud and ends with Strip. It’s just that Aaron Sorkin’s drama gives me what you never have: smart, crackling dialogue; unexpected characters, like Sarah Paulson’s complex, religious comedienne; and, yeah, Nate Corddry.
Whew. Yeah, I’m glad we’ve cleared the air too. And sure, if you promise to occasionally remove Adam Rodriguez’s shirt, and give more screen time to smart, sexy Emily Procter, then I wouldn’t rule dropping by CBS during non-sweeps months and totally hitting it with you.
Fondly,
Michael Slezak
P.S. I hope you won’t mind if PopWatch readers use this item to publicly break up with their one-time regular series. I think it’ll be healthy for everyone involved.
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It’s just not going to work out between The O.C. and me. Me-2003 would never forgive Me-2006 for saying this but I feel our time together has run its course. And no this has nothing to do with the other woman in my life (Thursday nights on ABC).
Boston Legal, goodbye. I gave you a year, but I’m going back to Law and Order SVU because I was fastforwarding through every character but Spade and Shatner.
True, L&O SVU reruns more than you…let me think about this.
Desperate Housewives, we’re finished forever. Of that, I am sure.
Goodbye, Prison Break. You are so -SO- beautiful, but it’s all surface. You just don’t give the same satisfaction as Lost and Grey’s…I’m sorry to say goodbye.
It’s sad, but i’m officially breaking up with Lost and sniff, sniff Veronica Mars. Lost because it just became too much, same as Alias. With its meandering, unresolved plot lines. VM, is wonderful, but i’m so tired of seeing it bounced around and treated like crap by the networks. I’ll definitly catch it on DVD though.
Goodbye Horatio Caine (CSI: Miami), it was nice hearing you say everything twice.
Goodbye Seth Cohen (The O.C.), may you forever be quick with your whips and quick to forget Marissa.
Who I’m writing my “Goodbye” letters to if they dont pick it up REAL fast:
1. ‘Desperate Housewives’ – say goodbye to Mary Alice’s voiceovers and I’ll consider sticking around.
2. ‘Prison Break’ – The “Naked Gun” of TV shows, you have one more farfetched sequence and I’m outta here.
3. ‘Vanished’ – a Kim Bauer-esque character? REALLY?
Desperate Housewives, I think we need to see other people. My feelings for you have changed. What’s that? Give you one more chance? Ok, but if you piss me off like you did with that last episode, it’s over forever…
I may have to say goodbye to CSI (the original) for a few reasons. One is that awful pairing of Gil and Sara in the season finale. Ick.
Then there is the hint of Catherine and Warrick. Ick. I kind of liked that the writers shied away from the personal lives of these characters.
And the icing on the cake is the Kevin Federline casting. I can’t stomach watching him do anything.
Goodbye every last cotton-picking one of you CSI’s. No longer can I stand watching a bullet’s path through a body (why?) no longer can I listen to supposedly hard-drving rock tunes to supposedly emphasize the story, no longer can I watch with my mouth agape as yet another suspect confesses to Grissom, et al once they presented he/she with the damning evidence of oooooooooooo, a bad alibi and a few epithileal’s left at the scene.
Bree, Susan, Lynette, Gaby: I just don’t care anymore. Whatever. Now if they do a spinoff focused on the demon spawn of Bree and Paul Young — *that* might be interesting!
I’m breaking up with Law & Order Criminal Intent. In their effort to stay relevant in the crime tv world, what they consider a good twisty plotline is just a confusing “huh, what the heck’s happening?!” plotline.
And any reality dating show. The couples never stay together anyway. So like these tv couples break up with each, I’m breaking away from them.
And I MAY break up with Desperate Housewives. If their stories become desperately boring like last season, I’m a goner.
Dear CSI:
We had some good times, didn’t we? That episode with Nick buried alive? Thrilling. But our relationship has been on autopilot for some time and I have been faced with a critical choice, one which I have excrutiatingly made. My heart belongs to another and though these two love affairs have co-existed peacefully through two glorious seasons, I must now choose. And so, dear CSI, I choose Grey’s Anatomy in all its narcissistic quips and crazy glory. I am enthralled with the grace that is Dr. Addison Shepherd and the oh-so-wrong rightness of Gearge’s and Callie’s burgeoning relationship. My heart leaps at the thought of Chandra Wilson and I long for the smoldering eyes of my “Can’t Buy Me Love” first-love Patrick Dempsey. So farewell grey-haired William Peterson and conceited Jorja Fox. I must leave the wiles of Sin City for the wild of Seattle Grace.
My break-up? “Desperate Housewives.”
Desperate Housewives…I need to see other people. Like my hubby. He will no longer be alone watching tv in another room while I watched your (now crappy) show!
bye bye Desperate Housewives…I didn’t really spend that much time with you this year and we’ve just grown apart. You’re a different, uninteresting person now
I think I may have to break up with Prison Break soon because I can’t take this ridiculousness anymore. I was planning on breaking up with The OC until I found out Chris Pratt from Everwood is now joining the cast for a bit. I also may break up with Supernatural only to spite The CW for killing Everwood in the first place (though I’m not sure if I can bear without Veronica Mars and Gilmore Girls).
Dear Grey’s Anatomy,
It’s not your fault. I will miss watching you, I will cry, and maybe ever DVR you and TIVO you for a couple of weeks, but you see dear Anatomy, Sunday’s are my only TV watching night. I like to do constructive things with my evenings, you know, go to the theatre, take an art class, hey, this year I’m taking a TV writing class. But on Sunday’s well, that’s my TV night (I do cheat by watching LOST on WEDNESDAYS.)
Alas, I know I will try to keep up with you, but we are just headed in two different directions. I’m sure I will feel the whole in my heart, much like a lecerated arterie that just won’t heal. But we will learn to move on, and I do look foward to getting you on DVD and watching you on all once on a future sunday.
Goodbye GREY, and to hades with ABC for the scheduling change.
Dear Without a Trace:
You know we’ve just been going through the motions of late. And you’re moving to Sunday and, well, I just don’t think I can follow. Sorry.
And Survior – um – Goodby. It’s not the racial thing, really, it’s not. I just don’t care anymore. And Ugly Betty looks good. See you around sometime, maybe.
Dear Television,
I am doing like EMINEM and cleaning out my closet, which mean a lot of you are going to have to scadattle from my life. First to go,forever is Seventh Heaven, I can’t believe I watched you for as long as I did, it was Monday, the tv was on, it was on that channel for years on monday. But you were solely responsible for the cancellation of EVERWOOD and for that you are to be striken from my TV schedule. (as you should have been years before.)
I’m also breaking up with the Entire CBS Wednesday night schedule. I don’t even feel like meeting Jericho (it looks bad.)but what made me watch Criminal Minds and CSI NY — I have no idea. I just found out CSINY is not even shot in New York, and my brother is a NEW YORK actor, they have less tv work available to them,and then you shoot on location and on sets. comeone CBS are you really that cheap? I don’t watch cheap television, and by that I mean the storylines.
Good bye allof you tv shows of my past.
Desperate Housewives, you appear to be the proverbial red-headed step-child of this blog (if one can call a discriminatory phrase brought to popularity in the ’90s a proverb). I, too, will be ending our two season relationship if you don’t shape up, by which of course I mean “get good, and real fast”. I thought our fling was over in May, but I’m willing to hang in there for a few eps to see if Mark Cherry and the gang can really bring us back together as they’ve promised.
But it’s official: You’re on notice. Now go fix me a chicken pot pie.
Dear Survivor,
I’m over you, and it’snot that Ugly Betty has Eric Mabius, who I would follow to the darkest regions of the universe and back again. It’s just that I’m bored,the challenges are not so challenging, the contestants are not so original, and well, Ugly Betty looks adorable. I mean, how can I not watch her, I mean, there’s an element of survivor and spunkiness to her that outshines Jeff Probst(whatever it is he does?). Oh, and well, Eric Mabius is in it…. ERIC! to the darkenst regions ofthe Universe and back baby!
Oh, and Ali? Veronica Mars needs you now, more than ever! She wasn’t feeling so hot for your first two years together, but you have to remember what her home life was like. Now she’s moved and has some great new neighbors in those Gilmore girls; you really must come to visit. Veronica’s life is about to get a whole lot better, and you’re going to wanna be there when it does.
Say “hi” to Logan for me. Yum!
Dear Network Executives, All of You,
I have been most faithful to what keeps us together (24), even when you lost your mojo (Desperate Housewives), but you have just been making this relationship too difficult to maintain. Why do you make me wait weeks and weeks between new episodes? Why are you so obvious in trying to make me buy DVDs by not re-running full seasons (Lost) or even full seasons (Alias)? Why do you make it so hard for me to find what I want (Veronica Mars)? Why don’t you care about satisfying me when I am your bread and butter? I want to love you but you make it so hard? Frankly, I think you’re just using me. So, I am dumping you to keep my self-respect. Good luck without me and my demographic.
Dear Grey’s Anatomy,
I love you, I really do. But for this relationship to work, you will have to accept that I have been and will continue to see other people. I know what you’re thinking “Why? What’s wrong with me? What do they have that I dont’? Why are they better?” Well they are not. But they all have something unique to offer and they are just different than you, not better. See there are some people that I have been seeing besides you each week, people like: House, 24, Smallville, The Amazing Race, CSI and her sister Miami, just to name a few. And to be honest with you, there are a few more people that I will begin to see in the near future: Heroes, Vanished, and that real popular girl American Idol.
Though this may hurt your feelings, it’s not personal, it’s about my needs. We have had some great times, and will continue to do so, but just know that though your still my girl, you just aren’t alone and especially since you changed your schedule on me. That hurt me and will take sometime to get over.
I will see you in a few weeks and we can meet for dinner! XOXOXO
I did breakup with House last year, but after watching reruns over the summer I am back.
P.S. I can’t stand CSI Miami, never could never will.
Dear Lost:
It used to be special, didn’t it? We had date night every Wednesday at 8 (or 9), and I’d sit there, watching you, totally enthralled and even holding off on the bathroom breaks in case I missed something. Sometimes I’d even be teary at the end and go and explain the whole episode to my husband (who usually didn’t get it, but what the hey). It was THAT special…
But now I’ve become restless. I can’t wait around for a few more dribs and drabs of tantalizing info. I can’t wrap my head around all these new characters. And I can’t figure out when the heck your new episodes are on anymore. So I’m done, heading off to greener pastures with House, where the main dude may be an [expletive] but at least the mystery gets solved every week.
Arrivederci,
Martha
Dear Nip/Tuck:
I used to wait with anticipation for you to arrive, sometimes harsh, always entertaining. But the sex (and the painful relationships) has gotten old, and so have you. I’m moving on to a younger, sexier cast on “Battlestar Galactica”. And some of them are machines, and will never age.
Call me if you get a facelift.
(P.S. Speaking of old relationships — “Smallville”, “OC”, and “Desperate Housewives” — consider youselves on notice.)
Where was this post last year? I was a monk in TV land. I cut out CSI, OC, never watched L&O. I bypassed Lost, DH and Greys. But, I got the DVR and discovered Veronica Mars over the summer. I’m expanding instead of reducing television. I’m looking forward to Studio 60, 30Rock, Friday Night Lights. After reading your preview, I’m giving Kidnapped, the Nine, Ugly Betty,and Brothers and Sisters a shot. I’ve even put the premature cancellations of Arrested Developement and Everwood behind me. Damn you CW.
Dear ER,
DUMPED.
(Click)
Well, I shouldn’t be all Barney with them. I think most people have already given up on ER. But, even though I like the current cast, after last seasons overly brutal finale (was it ER or some horror movie, I don’t know), it seems like the series pretty much gave up on what audience they had left.
With SIX DEGREES in the same time slot, I’ll probably be watching that and Tivoing ER. But, if that gets too difficult (and if I like SIX DEGREES), ER might be on the way out, after over ten years or so.
Dear Smallville,
It’s not you, it’s me. Honest. I’m just not in a place in my life where I can deal with your breathless line readings, promises of action that don’t follow through, and endless variations on characters losing their memories of important events surrounding the identity of the main character. If you need me, I’ll be with Heroes. I hear one of them flies.
Wow! CSI: Miami is so bad that it’s lack of quality is even something that I can agree with Slezak on. That’s crazy! Seriously though, I’ve only ever watched this show when the Monday Night football game is garbage, and I’ve never been able to stand any character other than Emily Procter (who was much better on West Wing). A law needs to be passed that doesn’t allow David Caruso anywhere near a TV camera. Whenever I see his doing his schtick I always think of a line from LA Confidential where Jack describes Exley by whispering “he’s very serious.” This show is terrible on every level. How could people actually plan on watching it every week?