Pitch the next 'Crank'

104350__crank_lIn case you haven’t gotten the message from Jason Statham’s stern, bald image, Crank opens this weekend. It’s the story of… hang on… the story of a man named… I’m gonna get this out without laughing, I swear… Chev… Chelios… YES. That is the gentleman’s name. Chev Chelios. Anyway, Chevy Cheerios awakes one day to find himself injected with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops below a certain level. Therefore, he must stay UP UP UP, in every possible way. The movie pretty much writes itself from there, more or less guaranteeing hyperadrenalized action and providing methheads worldwide with a rich, high-stakes fantasy mythos to go with their deviated septa. It’s Speed minus the bus, plus (I’m guessing) actual speed.

Crank has also made me realize: It’s really easy to make a movie, long as you’ve got a can’t-miss premise like this. We’re smart folks, aren’t we PopWatchers? We can crank a few of these out?

(Click the jump to see Scott’s Crank-inspired pitches…)

How about:

WALK/DON’T WALK
Our hero, Cheech Chongstein, wakes up, andthe bad guy tells him, “I put this thing in you that makes it so youhave to keep walking or you’ll blow up.”
“Keep walking, like, fast?”
“No,” says the bad guy, “Not that fast. Just walking. You just can’t stop, that’s all.”
“Can I walk in place?”
“Yeah, I guess that’d be OK. It’s very doable. I’ve read your file. You’re a good walker. This is in your wheelhouse.”

or

¿Dónde Está El Baño?
Our hero, Chim Chiminy, wakes up inTijuana, really needing to go to the bathroom. The bad guy doesn’t callor tell him why. He can’t even remember if there was a bad guy. All heremembers is making out with a woman who turned out to be a bottle ofCuervo and then his friends entering him in a beauty pageant. God, doeshe need to go to the bathroom. But all the people speak some strangenon-English language, or at least pretend to. Can he find a bathroom intime? Based on a true story.

or

Not Feeling Well
Our hero, Chazz Palmintieri, wakes up and is pretty sure he’s gettinga cold. But there’s no echinacea in the house. Will he find some intime? Also based on a true story.

C’mon, you can do better than this. Give me a good human time-bomb scenario, and let’s sell it and get outta this dump.

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  • mon

    those were great. i particularly like the story of cheech chongstein. thanks for the afternoon laugh.

  • california

    chelios happens to also be the last name of a famous American hockey player (Chris Chelios). He was the captain of the men’s US olympic team last winter. So I dont really find this post humorous.

  • CineRam

    Okay here’s the triple-X version, which I simply call THE CRANK. A man is told he will die unless he keeps himself…erm…well, how to put this delicately? Let’s just see he’ll need a lot of videos and magazines, and possibly a very good-looking “partner” to provide the necessary inspiration. Of course, he won’t be able to keep it up forever (the effort, I mean), plus leaving the house would be pretty awkward. Hmm, is this too racy for this board? On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t post thi

  • Ed

    …who cares, I hear he comes out shirtless in this one – YUM YUM!

  • KC Holt

    >Crank has also made me realize: It’s really easy to make a movie, long as you’ve got a can’t-miss premise like this<
    Yes, and it was can't miss before, way back in 1950 when it was called "D.O.A.", a noir classic (we'll just forget the Dennis Quaid remake of 1988).

  • johnathan

    AWESOME. those are hilarious

  • daisyj

    Cranky:
    Biff Boffy wakes up in a really bad mood. The bad guy calls and tells him he’s been injected with a substance that will kill him if at any point he laughs or cracks a smile. Armed with the collected works of Thomas Hardy and an iPod loaded with death metal, Biff races against time, only to discover that the antidote is located in the last place he wants to be: Cinderella’s Castle, dead center of the Happiest Place on Earth.

  • Laura

    Scott Brown to the rescue! Thanks so much for saving me from a very boring afternoon at work… I’d attempt to come up with something clever for your challenge, but too many braincells have been dulled already in my attempt to look busy and kill time…

  • Martha

    Hey california, lighten up. Chris Chelios sounds like a real name, Chev Chelios sounds like Chevy Cheerios. How about this pitch – guy will die unless he blogs his way through the day, successfully avoiding work and his irate boss? In an extra kicker, the antidote is in the Boardroom of his company and he has to sneak in during a meeting. Snore…never mind, it sounds too much like every day life…

  • Orlando

    LMAO!

  • BJohnson

    Don’t care what his name is in the movie, as long as he talks, give the “look” show some bare chest and blow S*@! up, I’m paying the money to see it.

  • Ceballos

    With Crank due Friday, “The Transporter 2″ last year, and “The Transporter” a couple of years before that, there’s no denying it…Jason Statham is the King of September! All hail the King.

  • aramisx

    This is opposite CineRam’s version:
    Chaka Chiespuf (said Chah-kah Cheesepoof) wakes up one morning to a phone call that says he has to keep from…uhm…standing erect, if you catch my drift. Just imagine all the funny ironies prancing around him through the movie…hot chicks EVERYWHERE including sets of Swedish and Icelandic twins ready to fulfill his every need. To keep from dying he carries around naked pictures of Janet Reno and Sally Jesse Rafael.

  • ryan

    “Walk/Don’t Walk” actually sounds like Stephen King’s “The Long Walk”, which is a helluva read. Though add Chuck Norris to your concept and I’d pay cash to see that.
    My own:
    “On Demand”: A 13-year old boy in a feverish race to erase the porn he ordered from his parents’ bill.
    “On the MTA”: A feverish race for four tourists trying to find the N line while on vacation in New York City.
    “Lick”: A feverish race…to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

  • Sheva

    The hero, Chad Cham-session, must keep going UP. He wakes up in a high-speed elevator with directions to the helipad on the roof, and from there it’s straight improv, or else his teeth sink back into his gums at 666 mph, because the bad guy is actually Satan, and he’s into self-promotion. Obviously Cham-session has to beat down the pilot in order to get control of the chopper. (Now it’s Cham’s Chopper) and never mind that he doesn’t know how to fly. How much skill do you need to keep going up?
    After a rollercoast ride on several albatross, bicycle-powered airplanes, and Russian spacecraft, Chad ends up on Saturn’s ring. He’s swimming through the gases, desperately maintaining upward mobility, when he gets the news…now he has to go DOWN! Chad delivers a hilarious “just my luck” expression, followed by a line which really primes us for the sky-diving-centric sequel.
    If you want to buy this, email makingsoap29@hotmail.com. I’m registering with the WGA as we speak, so no funny business anyone.

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