Snap Judgment: K. Fed at the Teen Choice Awards

92315__kevin_lWell, Kevin Federline gave it his all last night at the Teen Choice Awards. The song was "Lose Control," an ode to "hip hop flava." If I were a polite sixtysomething,  I’d say, “I like your energy, young man!” Sadly, I am a bitter thirtysomething, so I’ll instead say: Is it possible to feel embarrassed for a grand piano? Look at it up there, so forlorn, so ashamed, as Kevin hacks those two chords again and again. Look at it quail in horror as K. Fed raps arrhythmically beneath the safety of his ballcap, mumbling every tired rhyme he can conjure, short of “K. Fed/aphid.” (I had a five-spot riding on that one.)  Look at it thinking wistfully of Robbie “Vanilla Ice” van Winkle,  whose long fingers once caressed its keys, on a sultry afternoon so long ago… and "Havin’ a Roni" was born.

All I’m saying is: Give musical instruments their dignity. If Aphid needs a piano in the future, get some battered whorehouse honky-tonker. (Do whorehouses even have pianos anymore? I haven’t visited one since 1885.) Oh yeah, and I’m calling him Aphid from here on out.

addCredit(“Kevin Federline: Kevin Mazur/”)


Comments (78 total) Add your comment
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  • KIM

    What can you say to describe worse than bad…oh wait I know…K-Fed

  • Ray

    The “Holy Crap! Kevin Was Playing the Piano the Whole Time!” fake-out was sooo lame! Then, I couldn’t stop laughing at the name “FEDERation Records.” In summation, K-Fed has no stage presensce whatsoever. He looked uncomfortable the entire time and I literally couldn’t hear a word of his rap (which may have been a plus!) Now that K-Fed and Paris Hilton are putting out CDs, I think it’s time we all apoligize to Britney Spears and beg her to come back to pop music! I’ll take “Toxic” over this shizz any day!

  • lei

    That was embarrassing.. the only time people cheered was when the dancers were doing something great. Are Brit and Kevin that clueless to how they portray themselves to the world or are we the clueless ones for having watched that train wreck?

  • nathan

    That was the second worst performance of the weekend. The worst? The Boston Red Sux.

  • Stephanie

    That was the worst thing I have ever heard!!!

  • damiged

    Did he throw the “N” word in there? I thought I caught it once. He wasn’t even rapping, he was just yelling. No flow, no rhythm. It was like bad Vanilla Ice karaoke. And Brit, sweetie, lose the damn gum!

  • Liz

    That was the worst performance on tv I have ever seen. His rapping was awful, the lame F in the background with the fire was even lamer. He is HORRIBLE. I felt embarrassed for Britney. Hopefully she doesn’t have to hear that stuff on a regular basis. Poor Sean P, hopefully he listens to the Wiggles instead of his father!

  • Mariane

    It doesn’t matter what the public thinks. As long the the entertainment industry employs Federline and allows him to record and appear on TV, he will be considered a star. Why, who knows? How did he earn it? Britney gave it to him. Please don’t buy his records or watch his programs. It’s our only hope.

  • kenny k

    Damn, I missed it.
    I can only ASSUME it was tragic, embarassing, and shameful.
    And that’s not going for all those who WATCHED the d**chebag perform, it is for the d**chebag himself.
    K-Fed. Paris. Ashlee. Jessica. Hulk Hogan’s offspring.
    Who is giving these idiots permission to perform like pop stars?
    Fine music: where art thou?

  • jmg

    He stank.
    Please make him go away.
    The fire effects were lame. The moves were repetitive. Where was the “oh my God” we were supposed to feel? Was it that Britney appeared to introduce him? She looked awful too so that didn’t work in his favor. They should go back to the country and raise their brood that they’ll end up having.

  • Tiffany

    Wow! Was that ever BAD. I mean terrible. I thought maybe he would a BIT if something but he has NOTHING!!!
    Good horse to strap yourself to Britney!

  • Tiffany

    Wow! Was that ever BAD. I mean terrible. I thought maybe he would a BIT if something but he has NOTHING!!!
    Good horse to strap yourself to Britney!

  • Dee

    We just don’t need K Fed doing music or whatever he thinks he’s doing. Just using Brit’s coat tails which aren’t that useful anymore. Both need to just move on.

  • Chad

    I felt embarrassed for myself for actually viewing that trash!

  • Bob G.

    I think I threw up in my mouth when I watched this crap. I pray to God that wasn’t a true “Ode to Hip Hop Flava” for if it was, Hip Hop is Dead !!!

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