Kelly Clarkson broke my heart

155442__kelly_lIt seems as though every time I show up on this website I am making some sort of embarrassing admission. Yes, I believe that Chicago is a very good band. Yes, I have a desperate crush on a SportsCenter anchor who will never love me back. Okay, sometimes I play air drums in the VIP section of concerts. Whatever. You people don’t mind. You’ve got this browser window open on top of some lame Excel document, hand hovering over your mouse just in case the boss walks by. I know. We all have secrets. Well, here comes another one from me: I would give my left leg to be Kelly Clarkson.

Ever since she won that first American Idol and endured 75,000 performances of “A Moment Like This” with grace and dignity, I have admired her. That admiration turned to envy the minute she hit with the aggro pep rally that is “Miss Independent” — like, totally my theme song — which then turned to desperate begging of many deities to give me just an ounce of her talent when I heard the first chorus of “Since U Been Gone.” Kelly Clarkson, in my opinion, is not only a brilliant singer, but a wonderful role model for children. Also, I am seriously thinking about buying a Ford.

So you can understand, then, how upset I was to see this video of my idol — not America’s, mine — staggering around the stage at the Key Club on Monday night, rubbing her nipples and grabbing the asses of some middle-aged dudes who play in a hair-metal cover band. It sounds like I’m exaggerating. I assure you, I am not.

Here is her list of offenses, which is not in any way complete because I couldn’t take it anymore and shut the video off about halfway through their rendition of “Sweet Child O’ Mine”:

1. Attending a hair-metal cover band show and standing in the front
2. Attending a hair-metal cover band show while wearing a sweater vest
3. Attending a hair-metal cover band show with Ryan Key, the lead singer of Yellowcard
4. Going anywhere with the lead singer of Yellowcard
5. Owning a sweater vest
6. Willingly climbing on stage after scary hair-metal dude belts out a few lines of “Since U Been Gone”
7. Willingly climbing on stage even if there had been money involved
8. Bringing Yellowcard on stage with you
9. Miming the licking of own fingers and rubbing of own nipples
10. see above
11. see above
Actually, let’s make Nos. 12. – 1,000. see above, dear God, see above
1,001. Swigging from a bottle of Chivas in public
1,002. Swigging from a bottle of Chivas in public with the lead singer of Yellowcard
1,003. Unnecessary harmonizing
1,004. Not knowing the words to “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”
1,005. Not knowing the words to “Sweet Child O’ Mine”
1,006. BREAKING LITTLE HEARTS LIKE THE ONE IN ME

Damn it, now I’m crying again. Must another pop diva be taken from us?  And so soon? Help me, PopWatchers: Can Kelly Clarkson be saved?


Comments (234 total) Add your comment
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  • Ep sato

    I dunno about Kelly, but what’s embarrasing about liking the band Chicago? “Saturday in the Park” was a fantastic jam, even if their later work was a bit underperforming…

  • Valerie

    Thank you so much Whitney for making news that are, at best, mildly interesting, and making them so much fun to read ! You do the same for that horrible TV show, The Apprentice. I watch it just to see what you’re going to have to say about it ! Thank you so much !!!

  • Kitty

    I thought she was awesome. Kudos for stripping off the sweater vest before she started singing – and harmonizing when drunk. And she was a zygote when Hit Me With Your Best Shot came out….

  • roel

    1,007. BAD-looking, little boys haircut

  • jon

    C’mon! She still is a role model for young people everywhere. She shows them not only how to be one with who they are and love their bodies, etc. But she also shows them how to have a ROCKIN’ good time. No matter how bad the band was or the fact that she was with that Yellowcard guy, girlfriend looked like she was enjoying herself and since when is it wrong for young people (of age) to get drunk, go out and enjoy themselves…
    Plus, my fav moment is when the lead singer of that scary bad band passes the mike to Yellowcard and she takes it from him and sounds better than the both of them put together. Kelly can sing, even while drunk! I think that should be the tagline of her next CD ad.

  • Anthony CW

    Whitney, you sound like the sophomore Laguna Beach cheerleader who just found out the cheerleading captain got drunk with the goth kids and might even be dating one. “Like, OMG, how could she DO that?! And what was she wearing?!?”
    C’mon, I personally don’t think I would’ve been there, but she was enjoying herself. Plus, it just goes to show that once again she is a people person in every sense of the word. Love ya, Kelly!

  • Ed

    For all the above reasons you stated Whitney, I believe that Kelly Clarkson has earned the right to some bad behavior. She has remained classy (even after doing the Proactive infomercial) through and through.
    Go on grrl, get your dirty on!

  • Jonathan

    Who cares? Kelly rocks!

  • Sven

    The only reason you ever really liked her was because she too is from Texas. Admit it Whitney, you were blind to Kelly’s deficiencies as a human being, all because she is from your home state. Once you can admit that, you will be on your way to a better life.

  • Greg

    Oh come on, give her a break. She’s not on the cover of Us Weekly every week for having an eating disorder, sleeping with half of Hollywood, or in a girl catfight with other 20 something’s with zero talent. That makes her a role model in my book.
    Go on any college campus on any given night, and you’ll see something 10x worse.

  • Roder

    Quit being such a fruit.

  • Josh

    If having a good time is embarrassment, I’m a shameful mess. I’d encourage you to go out and have your own “moment like this”. Might be fun.

  • ******

    I love her and now I love her more. I have a total straight girl crush on her. Great pipes.
    Love Chivas too.

  • Ajay

    k, who doesn’t love drunk Kelly Clarkson? I would party with her anyday of the week… I liked her before this, now Iam totally in love with her!

  • jj

    Kelly is just too talented & adorable not to be forgiven for just about anything. What she did was rather normal for a 24-year-old. In fact, I encourage her too have as much fun as she can during this brief time off.

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