Warning: Paris Hilton is streaming at AOL

10316__paris_lRing the alarm! Just as quickly as Fergie Ferg and Beyoncé have made the siren this season’s hottest hit-making accessory, Paris Hilton is about to usher in its early demise with ”Turn It Up” and ”I Want You,” a pair of tracks off her forthcoming release Paris (due Aug. 22). AOL Music is streaming (screaming?) the entire album this week (click here to listen… if you dare), and — not exaggerating here — it’s worse than I had ever imagined. Horronkulous.

Right from her opening, Alvin and the Chipmunks-esque mewls of ”Yeah, that’s hot" to the painful spoken-word interlude on ”Jealousy” (sample lyric: "Everything I did, I did because I cared"), it’s clear that just as the emperor had no clothes, the heiress has no voice, and there’s not any amount of vocal layering or expensive production that can disguise it. Not that it’ll stop Paris from infecting the airwaves.

Trying to make it through all 11 tracks of Paris (I’m closing in on "Do Ya Think I’m Sexy"; prayers appreciated) reminded me of something the fantastic Jody Watley said when I caught her white-hot, sold-out set at Joe’s Pub in Manhattan on Saturday. Noting that her self-released new disc, The Makeover, is unlikely to get much airplay, Watley gave a knowing smile to the audience, then sighed, "Of course, I don’t have a sex tape." Alas, that’s what it’s come to, people. Can the revolution be far behind?

Comments (38 total)
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  • Michael

    Horrifying! Are people actually going to buy this? Jessica Simpson’s songs arent much better either.

  • kenny k

    Who in their right mind would bother listening to much less PURCHASE a CD from this media whore?!This no-talent skank isn’t worth the time to download…

  • Tarjay

    The worst thing about this is that probably the album, its singles and the accompanying videos will make it up the charts. Look at that dumb song from Brooke Hogan–it’s been in VH1′s Top 20 Countdown for a couple weeks now. So sad. If people keep watching, listening and buying, Paris will never go away.

  • Patrick Gray

    This album is the same quality as the Pussycat Dolls, Jessica Simpson or some of Madonna stuff. Trust me this album will be huge and every single will burn up the charts. I think it’s better than I thought it would be. I love I Want You and Nothing In This World. I’m buying the CD. It wouldn’t get any Grammys and it sometimes sounds like Hal 3000 singing but who cares.

  • Martha

    I’m going to do my ears a favor and skip listening to this train wreck. I’m also going to do my eyes a favor and scroll down from the hideous Paris photo in which she looks like a mannequin with partial facial paralysis. The faster this no-talent, no-beauty girl can exit the scene, the better for everyone.

  • Tommy G.

    There’s not enough money in this world to get me to listen to Paris “sing”. I’d rather listen to my cat howl instead. (Which will probably be more in tune and won’t try to sell me perfume that smells like crotch.)

  • Dawn

    I was going to avoid listening to it, but then I decided I could use a laugh. Best track by far: her cover of “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy,” the last track on the album. Just a warning though–don’t have any sharp objects lying around, because you may want to use them to destroy your eardrums afterwards.

  • ep sato

    Jodie Watley is back? I am lookin’ for some new love from this amazing artist!
    As for Paris, she should stick to acting in horror movies as the “chick who dies early in the movie and everyone cheers”.

  • PA

    “This album is the same quality as the Pussycat Dolls, Jessica Simpson or some of Madonna stuff.”
    Sacrilege! You DARE to mention Madonna’s name along with PCD, Jessica and Paris?!? The Queen of Pop will NOT be pleased. Off with his head!!! Ok, too dramatic but PLEASE don’t mention Madonna along with those manufactured products.

  • Please just go away

    I heard that Paris was hurt and insulted when someone posted on her website that she was the equivalent of someone farting in a glove. I don’t know what that is supposed to mean, exactly, but it seems strangely accurate.

  • dude

    I just finished listening to this Cd and i have to say one thing: If this media princess and tabloid queen can make an album, I can start mine too. Listening to this cd was funny, and i wasnt bored or anything, i was just shocked that the material in this album is as bad as if some third grade kids could’ve probably done a better job. And, well, i think the songs, which are bad, are ten times better than the girl singing them (i wont call her a singer, because she isn’t). This is bad karaoke on a party at the Hilton, with daughter Hilton singing. I dont expect and i wouldnt want this album to sell, because it’s an example of how bad american music has become. The worst tracks must be “Jealousy” and “Screwed”. In the later, our Paris tries to reach a high note, and she is so off-pitch, that it is amusing how wrong the label did to convince this girl that she can sing. The best song is acutally the girls’ first single, Stars Are Blind.. give her a break, the song is not that bad, and sung by someone like, let’s say, Jessica Simpson, would have done so much better. the taste that stays with you after listening to this piece of trash is the same taste someone has after being in a robbery. Even if you don’t pay to listen to this CD, something in it makes you feel like you were robbed anyway. My Grade: D-

  • exiene

    I can not believed I just listened to snippets of this album…I need a shower. Everyone one here on this blog pretty much covered my feelings and opinions, however, listening to her personal and nakedly raw confessional “JEALOUSY” made me wonder if Nicole or Lindsey or whoever her new enemy of the week is, feels they’re owed money. Plus, her cover of Do Ya Think I’m Sexy proves that just like her porn stint, being sexy is something you’re born with and can’t aquire w/ daddy’s money.

  • rob

    HA hahahahahahaha
    top notch, paris. top. notch.
    undisputed 2006 grammy award winner for best comedy album

  • ASH

    Meanwhile great pop music by Kylie Minogue and Rachel Stevens (YES the one from S-Club 7; critics have raved about her music but the public here and in the UK have reacted with indifference) is completely ignored in the US.

  • Ed

    If we all had Paris’ money, we’d all be doing the same thing!

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