Shot through the heart, and Diane Lane's to blame?

10743__diane_lI routinely go whole years without learning anything. But there are days when, whitened by early-morning terror alerts, I open up the gossip rags for a little relief… and learn something huge. Today was one of those days. I’m reading this Page Six item in The New York Post about Jon Bon Jovi ducking Diane Lane in the Hamptons, and I learn a) JBJ and DL were a mid-’80s item (common enough knowledge, I suppose) and b) their breakup led to his writing "You Give Love a Bad Name."

Now this may come as a shock to you, reader, but I have never dated Diane Lane. The calls were made, but not returned in a timely fashion, and I’m a stickler for prompt returns. The point is: I don’t know what kind of name Lane gives love (though I’d say she gave infidelity a very good name in Unfaithful). When I first heard the song in ’86, I was convinced it was about Erika Rasmussen, who sat four rows over and taunted me mercilessly with her freckles and brazen Jem-and-the-Holograms-themed outfits. I wasn’t yet aware of Diane Lane, my fifth-grade tastes tending instead toward women who were more — what’s the word? — Japanimated.

If I’d only known. Well, consider me warned, even though the warning comes two decades too late. Diane Lane still hasn’t returned my calls and texts, and maybe it’s for the best. Thirty unanswered "where you ats" and I’m done, Diane. That’s where I’m at, savvy? You’ll never get your blood-red nails on this.

addCredit(“Bon Jovi & Lane: James Colburn/Ipol/Globe Photos”)


Comments (21 total) Add your comment
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  • Ron Mwangaguhunga

    Couldn’t she have inspired something more popping?

  • miles

    “Brazen Jem and the Holograms themed outfits” I am rolling on the FLOOR!!!!!!

  • ep sato

    Oh Ron, she did indeed inspire some serious 1980’s pop! Diane Lane was the hottie everyone sought after in Walter Hill’s 1984 action adventure movie “Streets of Fire”. Diane Lane sings on some of the steamier tracks (though I always doubted it was really her singing), AND has this extended make out session with Michael Pare. Though the movie bombed at the box office, it’s soundtrack featured the summer hit “I can Dream about you (if I can’t hold you tonight)”.
    As a result of that movie, Diane Lane’s been my biggest movie crush since my azz was a little 8 year old shorty, the awkward Puerto Rican kid in Madison Wisconsin watching Diane Lane do her sensual thing on the silver screen, all the while a tub of popcorn bigger than me sat on my lap.
    Scott, I feel your pain like you have no idea. And Jon Bon Jovi? I’ll never see how she could pick a millionaire rock guitarist with a rebel streak and catholic schoolboy good looks over my broke azzed bald headed self. Hmm, maybe I can get her to become a Myspace friend?

  • Darla

    I thought Jon Bon Jovi dated and then married his “high-school sweetheart” during this time.

  • Martha

    Wow, little Dianie must’ve been quite the Lolita to inspire Jonnie to write such a bitterly poetic diatribe…especially because she looks about 15 in that picture.

  • nathan

    That Andy Samberg really gets around, doesn’t he.

  • ryan

    This isn’t the only instance of pop songs being written about famous people, as surely you know, Scott.
    “Baby Got Back”? About Elisabeth Shue.
    “I Wanna Sex You Up”? Henry Winkler.
    “Toxic”? Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
    The list is virtually endless.

  • Anna

    Fortunately I don’t like that song or the singer so I don’t care. I’m still hurting over learning that Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” was written about Rosanna Arquette. Gah! What is about that fish-faced woman that had all these musicians writing songs about her?

  • Judy D

    To Anna: I agree! It was weird enough to learn that the so-so Toto song “Roseanna” was about “that fish-faced woman” but when I learned that the otherwise perfect “In Your Eyes” was also inspired by fishy, I was truly disillusioned. Made me never want to know the source of inspiration of any song ever again.

  • ep sato

    Rosanna Arquette DOES seem to be everywhere. I only remember her from Desperately Seeking Susan, Pulp Fiction, and from Buffalo 66, but I will have to agree with those who wonder what’s wonderful enough about this woman to inspire so much music.
    And yeah. In your eyes is ruined for me too. It was much better to be reminded of John Cussack with the boombox than ole’ fish face…

  • zigra

    What, no haiku?
    Shot to the heart
    and you are to blame
    you’re no good at love
    Diane Lane

  • Howard

    You should tell her current beau (she must have one) that you said “What up?”

  • tp

    time OUT… rosanna arquette inspired IN YOUR EYES??? help… someone pls. explain, and where was this mentioned in the article? hello?

  • J

    Everytime I read this article printed somewhere I have to laugh. Not a love affair, hell he dated Diane for awhile after breaking up with Dot. No biggie here. He’s not devistated in any way and never has been. Such crap! And yes, I do know this as “fact”. He’s not avoiding Diane Lane, he just has better things to do like spending well deserved time off with his family after a lenghty tour.I guess eventually someone somewhere would print it differently. I suppose when you don’t write positive things, you need dig up old and add a little “inventive spice” of your own to make it more interesting. So what else is new, just more mindless jabber.

  • ep sato

    Apparently, Diane Lane isn’t too broken up over the whole ordeal. Jon Bon Jovi’s”Living on a Prayer” is her Myspace page’s music.

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