Mel Gibson needs rehabilitation, we can all agree on that. But what’s the target of the rehab — the alcoholism? The anti-Semitism? The homophobia? The megalo-martyr sadomasochism? (I’d argue to leave that one alone — otherwise, what’s left?) And what form should treatment take? The traditional 12-step program (modified by the PopWatch hive-mind) seems the best course of action, despite the fact that it’s clearly been infiltrated by the Jewish conspiracy. (Twelve steps? Twelve tribes? Twelve combined seasons of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm? What, I gotta spell it out for you?)
1. Go on a media fast. Absolutely no airtime whatsoever for the foreseeable future. After an appointed period of time, break your silence by hosting the VMAs. Open with "Heard any good Jew jokes lately?"
4. Embrace the cleansing discipline of formal charges. Tighten cilice accordingly.
5. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Consider these your "before" pictures. Drop two cross-sizes until you earn your way back up to a life-sized crucifix necklace. And ratchet your blonde consumption down to one a night.
6. Ask yourself: What would Jesus do? (He had rage issues, too.) Would he: Agree to 30 lashes (against an additional 10 after "studio accounting")? Spend 40 days in the desert, "finding himself" on a New Age spirit journey (hotel and dinner included, $11,540 for the whole package)? Yoga? Yes, that’s the answer. Jesus would do yoga. And Mel, you’re already positioned in "downward-facing anti-Semite," so you’ve got a headstart.
7. Humble yourself with repeated viewings of this video. Yes, that’s you, in the same frame with Scott Baio. You’re human after all.
8. Ten hours of Queer Eye. That’s mandatory. Man-datory, Mel. I’m not taunting you. I’m just saying… maaaaaan-datory. You want to throw Carson out a castle tower window, Mel? Is that what you really want? Or is there something else you’d like to tell us? (Maaaaaaaaaandatory!)
9. Getting fed up with the steps? That’s natural. Make like a blogger who’s running out of material and skip straight to…
12. Convert to Judaism. This is the big one, Mel. But we here at PopWatch have talked it over, and we don’t see any other way out. You’re already the most in-demand Yom Kippur speaker in Malibu — ahead of Barbra even, whose Yom Kippur appearances usually fetch $1,000 a ticket! You’ve even got Jewish people who are willing to touch your junk. That’s amazing. No one offered that to Henry Ford. It’s the ultimate in turning the other cheek. And while it might mean going to hell in your cosmology, come on… is that really any worse than standing in line at the Malibu Starbucks right now?