The after-Melth continueth: A 12-step plan

173723__gibson_lMel Gibson needs rehabilitation, we can all agree on that. But what’s the target of the rehab — the alcoholism? The anti-Semitism? The homophobia? The megalo-martyr sadomasochism? (I’d argue to leave that one alone — otherwise, what’s left?) And what form should treatment take? The traditional 12-step program (modified by the PopWatch hive-mind) seems the best course of action, despite the fact that it’s clearly been infiltrated by the Jewish conspiracy. (Twelve steps? Twelve tribes? Twelve combined seasons of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm? What, I gotta spell it out for you?)

1. Go on a media fast.  Absolutely no airtime whatsoever for the foreseeable future. After an appointed period of time, break your silence by hosting the VMAs. Open with "Heard any good Jew jokes lately?"

2. Call up Comedy Central and admit that this, in fact, is the best Jewish joke you’ve heard in a while — and you’re sort of a connoisseur.

3. Wear the inevitable T-shirts. Loud and proud, Mel! Loud and proud.

4. Embrace the cleansing discipline of formal charges. Tighten cilice accordingly.

5. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Consider these your "before" pictures. Drop two cross-sizes until you earn your way back up to a life-sized crucifix necklace. And ratchet your blonde consumption down to one a night.

6. Ask yourself: What would Jesus do? (He had rage issues, too.) Would he: Agree to 30 lashes (against an additional 10 after "studio accounting")? Spend 40 days in the desert, "finding himself" on a New Age spirit journey (hotel and dinner included, $11,540 for the whole package)? Yoga? Yes, that’s the answer. Jesus would do yoga. And Mel, you’re already positioned in "downward-facing anti-Semite," so you’ve got a headstart.

7. Humble yourself with repeated viewings of this video. Yes, that’s you, in the same frame with Scott Baio. You’re human after all.

8. Ten hours of Queer Eye. That’s mandatory. Man-datory, Mel. I’m not taunting you. I’m just saying… maaaaaan-datory. You want to throw Carson out a castle tower window, Mel? Is that what you really want? Or is there something else you’d like to tell us? (Maaaaaaaaaandatory!)

9. Getting fed up with the steps? That’s natural. Make like a blogger who’s running out of material and skip straight to…

12. Convert to Judaism. This is the big one, Mel. But we here at PopWatch have talked it over, and we don’t see any other way out. You’re already the most in-demand Yom Kippur speaker in Malibu — ahead of Barbra even, whose Yom Kippur appearances usually fetch $1,000 a ticket! You’ve even got Jewish people who are willing to touch your junk. That’s amazing. No one offered that to Henry Ford. It’s the ultimate in turning the other cheek. And while it might mean going to hell in your cosmology, come on… is that really any worse than standing in line at the Malibu Starbucks right now?

addCredit(“Mel Gibson: Vera Anderson/WireImage.com”)

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Comments (22 total) Add your comment
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  • Ned

    I’m so bored with this now, is this really that big a deal?

  • mike

    Judging from previous posts, people are either a big fan of Mel and the Incident doesn’t matter. Or they have been avoiding his movies for awhile and the Incident only confirms their low opinions of him. The twelve steps aren’t necessary. Except as a comedy bit. It was funny, Scott.

  • Jimmy

    Please blog about something else… anything else…

  • Charlotte

    Please stop blogging about this! It has been talked to death, and everyone is totally overeacting!!

  • Ed

    I’m so over this topic!
    Scott let’s talk about your “mustard stained big johnson” : )

  • Joe

    You know what’s inevitable? Mel Gibson, in an act of celebrity spotlight penance, is probably going to host Saturday Night Live and laugh to himself and this whole predicament. But it is funny (funny interesting, not funny ha-ha) how everyone else is reacting to this situation. I’m looking at 3 of the 4 replies to this popwatch article. Either indifference conquers all or, if you scratch the surface of certain people, you’ll see an undercurrent of, “Ah-ha, I’m not the only who feels that way!” For the record, I’m a VERY lapsed Catholic so don’t respond by calling me out.

  • Another Lapsed Catholic Here

    Will you stop with the homophobia thing! The term homophobia implies a fear of homosexuals. I don’t think Mel is afraid of homosexuals. His faith says homosexuality is wrong. Mel is not only a Catholic, he is a radical super-conservative Catholic. Mel being pro-gay is up there with expecting the Pope to be pro-gay. My guess is Mel is also anti-abortion. He is obviously anti-birth control. How many kids does he have now? 27? Only his anti-Semitism is inconsistent with his faith. As someone who was born Catholic, I was told to view Jews as our religious predecessors and hence to respect him. I was also taught that homosexuality is wrong, abortion is wrong, blah, blah, blah… I’m a lapsed Catholic Mel is not.
    PS: The drunk DRIVING is also inconsistent with his faith. Good Catholics get much drunker than 0.12 and then call a cab home. BAD MEL!

  • Another Lapsed Catholic Here

    TYPO CORRECTION:
    “As someone who was born Catholic, I was told to view Jews as our religious predecessors and hence to respect THEM. I was also taught that homosexuality is wrong, abortion is wrong, blah, blah, blah… I’m a lapsed Catholic Mel is not.”
    I don’t respect one lone Jew… Ooops! Although, that would be kind of funny.

  • gil

    I heard he was born Mel Ginsberg…

  • earnhardt-fan88

    The after-Melth continueth: A 12-step plan

    nice..

  • Marci

    Scott, could you please find something else to write about? You’ve done this to death.

  • Stephanie Travitsky

    I think that Mel needs to talk to Sarah Silverman and Joy Behar.
    Anyway, today in the news: the Iranian goverment said that the only way this “war” will end if Israel is destroyed. Isn’t that nice?

  • Jana

    c’mon E-dub! The real story is South Park’s Variety back-cover!

  • Chris McVetta

    I think a brief stint at The Scientology Institute would do Mel a world of good. Perhaps he could marry Barbara Streisand in “Mission Impossible: 4″ to make us all “believe” again!
    Oh (and oy vey!), Mel Brooks, where are you when the world needs you the most!
    Oh, that’s right – you’ve “lost it.”
    The id and I – “Can I get you some-sing, Doctor-? Some varm meelk, perhaps?”
    http://www.theidandi.blogspot.com

  • Nancy Walker

    This issue needs to lick the dust. Lets hear something new. Mel’s drinking problem has a solution in a twelve-step program, and maybe a weekend in the county jail.

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