Dear Janet Jackson,
Hey there, Janet. Let’s talk. Over burgers. Yeah, remember those? I know you do. Actually, we can get crazy and order fries, too. I know carbs are the enemy, but I believe in keeping ‘em close, if you know what I mean. Fine, fine, you don’t have to order ‘em, but don’t spend the whole meal picking at mine, okay? And don’t even think about discarding the bun. I hate it when you do that.
Anyway, look, let’s get serious. You ignored my advice about your blah new duet with Nelly, and went with it as your first single, but I’m not here to chastise you. What’s the title again? ”Call on Me”? Sorry, I can’t ever seem to remember it, and I couldn’t find it on Billboard’s top 20, and… no, I didn’t mean that as a dis.
Well, even if I did, let’s put it behind us and discuss the video, the one that’s streaming at AOL and YouTube. Now I’m saying this out of a place of love, Janet, and you know I mean it because I’ve been digging you since back when you were jammin’ to that nasty groove with Paula Abdul in the Control days, and… heh, yeah, I did see that clip of her on QVC.
But damn it, Janet, focus! What’s up with the video? Was there a sale down at Jo-Ann Fabric? You spend the whole clip swimming in a sea of silk and taffeta, and I’m not getting it. Not getting the pirate ship. Not getting Nadia Turner’s ‘frohawk from season 4 of Idol. Not getting the way you’re grinding unconvincingly against Nelly’s bare torso. Not getting you running through the hedges like Gwen Stefani in ”What You Waiting For?" Worst of all, you look tired, hungry, and like you’re not having any fun at all. I know you can do better on your next video. Or if you’re not into it, don’t even make another one. You’ve had a great career; you’ve got plenty of money. You can relax if you want to. Relax and have a burger. And fries. We’ll all still love you.