Jul 27 2006 09:41 PM ET

Snap Judgment: An open letter to Janet Jackson

Categories: Music

161139__janet_lDear Janet Jackson,

Hey there, Janet. Let’s talk. Over burgers. Yeah, remember those? I know you do. Actually, we can get crazy and order fries, too. I know carbs are the enemy, but I believe in keeping ‘em close, if you know what I mean. Fine, fine, you don’t have to order ‘em, but don’t spend the whole meal picking at mine, okay? And don’t even think about discarding the bun. I hate it when you do that.

Anyway, look, let’s get serious. You ignored my advice about your blah new duet with Nelly, and went with it as your first single, but I’m not here to chastise you. What’s the title again? ”Call on Me”? Sorry, I can’t ever seem to remember it, and I couldn’t find it on Billboard’s top 20, and… no, I didn’t mean that as a dis.

Well, even if I did, let’s put it behind us and discuss the video, the one that’s streaming at AOL and YouTube. Now I’m saying this out of a place of love, Janet, and you know I mean it because I’ve been digging you since back when you were jammin’ to that nasty groove with Paula Abdul in the Control days, and… heh, yeah, I did see that clip of her on QVC.

But damn it, Janet, focus! What’s up with the video? Was there a sale down at Jo-Ann Fabric? You spend the whole clip swimming in a sea of silk and taffeta, and I’m not getting it. Not getting the pirate ship. Not getting Nadia Turner’s ‘frohawk from season 4 of Idol. Not getting the way you’re grinding unconvincingly against Nelly’s bare torso. Not getting you running through the hedges like Gwen Stefani in ”What You Waiting For?" Worst of all, you look tired, hungry, and like you’re not having any fun at all. I know you can do better on your next video. Or if you’re not into it, don’t even make another one. You’ve had a great career; you’ve got plenty of money. You can relax if you want to. Relax and have a burger. And fries. We’ll all still love you.

Love,

Michael Slezak

Comments (1-30) of 81 Add your comment

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  • C

    Janet does best when she is simple like the “Love would never do” video or when she is super sexy like the “If” video. She fails when she does something like “Call on me” or whatever the video was with Busta Rhymes. They are too outlandish to work. She has a sweet smile, she needs to use it in the videos because America loves a sweetheart.

  • Tauwan
  • Alex J

    This is an amazing video, I know your paid for your opinion. But that doesnt make it the right one.
    You cant find her single in the tom 20 because she jumped from 60 to number 25 on the hot 100.
    I know you say your a fan but i wonder if your just sharing your opinion or just being snarky and janky.

  • Eric

    I’m so sick of Slezak. So you like Janet, do you not. Call On Me is a laid back single. Not the best, not terrible at all. The video, I think, helps make the song, Slezak needs to write a letter to himself to get a life.

  • Paul U.

    I think it’s pretty. it’s like The Cell meets Memoirs of a Geisha, without having the narrative problems of those films. what’s the problem, Slezak? don’t be such a hater.

  • Ed

    I agree with Slezak, this video is just as bad as the song. Call On Me when you release the next single! Lets hope that it’s a better one than this tired piece of ship wreck – pun intended!

  • eik

    Yawn… yikes! I fell asleep.. is that video over yet??
    I can already tell you this video is NOT going to make it to my top 10 videos list at the bar where I work.
    It simply does not work.
    So because one doesn’t like the video or EVERY video an artist puts out, then one is a hater? Please.. get off your high horses and un-stick your nose out of her behind. The video sucks big bertha @ss.

  • ABW

    Not only is the song blah (frankly, IMO blah has been her oeuvre for quite a while now), but this video really creeped the hell out of me – so much so that I couldn’t even watch it to the end. So many of the shots make her look like brother Michael. I don’t know if it’s her age, diet, stylist or whatever. But Janet: it’s over for you.

  • cj

    girl, you’re in trouble

  • simoun

    FYI, the single just jumped from #63 to #25 in the Billboard Hot 100. It just became available digitally. The song is reminiscent of “Doesn’t Really Matter”, one of her biggest hits prior to ‘All for You’.

  • Ray

    Amen, Slezak. Remember how good Velvet Rope and All For You was? Then WTF was Damita Jo?! Let’s compare her to Madonna and hope that right now she’s in her Erotica/Bedtime Stories Phase and her Ray of Light/Music/Confessions on a Dancefloor Phase is just around the corner. (No, I didn’t ACCIDENTALLY leave out American Life from that second Phase.)

  • Some Guy

    Dear Janet,
    Im sorry but i have to agree, this video, well, its not one of your best. Im being nice, too nice. You really do look bored. And the dancing, why? Why bother when its so obvious you arent feeling it? Did Jermane put you up to this? Are you so in love that you have gone completely blind and death for that matter? How does the video fit the song? Are there pirates in your song? Maybe there are and i fell asleep before that part came up. Did you forget the difference between a slow and amazing song, and slow and painfull death? Oh Janet… Whats wrong? Wanna talk about it?

  • bootsycolumbia

    That has to go on the list as one of the worst videos of the year. I haven’t expected much from JJ in a long time, and she isn’t disappointing me now. Boring song, no chemistry with Nelly, meaningless scenario…I hope the next single is better, because I want Janet to make a comeback. I really do. I thought she was unfairly maligned during the nipplegate thing, while Justin Timberlake got off relatively easy. Plus, I still think she’s the most normal of all the Jacksons, so I’ll keep cheering her on. But I don’t like this video or this song.

  • Derek

    Dear Janet fans:
    Just admit it: Call On Me is BORING. Janet made a mis-step by releasing this completely forgettable fluff. Furthermore the video is an expensive piece of nothing. And FYI, although the single jumped to #25, it will stall there due to its lagging sales on iTunes simply because no one wants to pay $0.99 for a BORING single! But don’t fret Janet fans – So Excited is coming soon. Slezak – keep the honest opinions coming!

  • Sally in Chicago

    Snooze big time. I turned it off mid-way. I just don’t get it and her vocals – you can’t understand a dang thing she’s saying.

  • d.c.

    Amen to that Michael.. The whole video was a big snooze..I had to laugh at all the robot-iconic scenes with dress-up Pomp and Pagentry that was meaningless; a romantic duet-couple that is improbable and with a song, that had no reason to be sung other than she memorized the words and promised to lip-mumble-sing them with this guy in hopes of making a lot of money.

  • Ed

    Janet, you promised on your website that you were going to be giving us the best of the last 20 years – u call this the best?! First of all, I waited patiently for your new song to come out – disappointed! Second, my hope was that the video would spark some interest in the song; after all you said you were going to be working with some of the best in the video biz to make this video. Instead, what do we get, you dancing in front of a green screen – U B LAZY! What did you have to do to prepare for that video except rehash some of your old moves from Pleasure Principle. Lets hope your next single makes up for this lazy attempt at a comeback. And yes, you do need a comeback because Demita Jo was a mess from head to toe.

  • Fatima

    Janet Janet Janet
    What did I tell you about the ponytail with heavy bangs look? It didn’t work during “Go Deep” and it ain’t going to work now.
    She felt oddly vacant in that video, and in a sense, oddly removed from reality. I can’t believe I thought “Damita Jo” was a mess now. I would take the old school soul of “I Want You” in a heartbeat over this plain disaster. Total could have put out a better single.

  • jon

    Dear Janet,
    Some of these people below claim to be your fans, but they aren’t your real fans. A real fan, like a real friend, knows when to tell you when there’s a problem. The problem is that “Call On Me,” your new non-existent single with a bored-looking Nelly, is bad and that the video for it is also, um, bad. Not Paris Hilton bad (I mean the video, not the song, “Stars Are Blind” is hot). Sorry, I got off track but that’s exactly the point! Paris Hilton should not be more catchy, exciting or interesting than you. I can sing “Stars Are Blind” (Even though the guys are crazy…) but I can’t even HEAR the words to your song. YOU’RE JANET JACKSON! This shouldn’t be happening. Janet, please, dump Hype Williams (whose vids post-”Gold Digger” have been tired), eat a PowerBar, put down the Be-Dazzler and make a fun, fresh video with a fun song before the summer’s over. You lost half your body weight in like a week, you can do this.
    Because love would never do w/o you,
    Jon

  • Phil

    OH BOY! Where do I EVEN start!? First off, any hopes I had of “Call On Me” rebounding with a frsh video is out the door. And since all the Janet die-hard fans were calling us crazy for ridiculing her when we first heard “Call On Me” and were astounded it was a piss-poor duet with Nelly, well the video SAYS IT ALL. There is absolutely zero chemistry between Janet & Nelly, and hence, the purpose of the duet is POINTLESS. Miss Janet WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN!?
    Ok, let me compose myself here. Seriously all those bright colors & flashy different costume changes, sweetie, ask any homosexual you know, I mean u HAD dancers, but evidently, the budget for the green screen left all them on the drawing board, but I digress, oh yeah I had a thought here…oh yes, NONE OF THIS MESHES!!! And to capitalize on the Pirates of the Carribbean craze to boot!? I WISH Captian Jack Sparrow would swoop on into this video and add some flair to it. It might cause some excitement & maybe make Janet actually show SOME kinda emotion in an otherwise stoic video.
    Honey… sweetie… This is NOT a hit. Good luck with the 2nd single, you didn’t even make it that far with the 2nd single from “DAMITA JO”. Oh & if anyone at Virgin is reading this, feel free to tell Jermaine Dupri, if this is the CHEMISTRY he is goin with for the proposed Janet & Mariah duet….GET HELP NOW!!!!!!!!!

  • Me in Berlin

    it’s really good to hear that there are a lot of people sharing my opinion. I am a great janet fan but when I first heard this “surprise song” weekend, I felt so embaressed that I couldn’t listend to it until the end. It was the same with call on me. Then I watched the video and thought “OH MY GOD”, what the hell is she doin? how to hell does she looks like?? how does she moves?? what’s the mess with this pirate ship?
    lots of questions.
    now all I hope is that the next single will be better. I did realize that her work’s been so bad since she’s engaged to this little…um…jermaine dupri.
    just my opinion

  • Tom

    I love Janet but enough with the sexy stuff. Didn’t she learn from Madonna that too much just turns people off? Janet should be doing a Ray of Light-type of change like Madonna did in 1998 – re-introducing herself to a new generation of fans with a fresh sound, and more introspective lyrics. 20 Years Old would be the perfect vehicle to do that, but I fear it’s going to be another album of sex songs with those annoying interludes that bog down her albums.
    Janet is no longer a risk-taker.

  • Thad

    Makes me miss the nipple. I had such high hopes.

  • Dawn

    Dear Janet,
    We need Ms Jackson (if your nasty) to return. First, I know you love the troll J.D. but do not have him produce for you. Have him stay away from the set so you and nelly could have some chemistry. The video sucked Jan. Hook up with Mark Romanek please or at least Sanaa Hamri.
    BTW Just because it worked with Thats the way love goes, you should not have went with mid tempo song. You need a club banger baddly. Think velvet rope ms jackson. Hook up with Pharrell, Timbaland, Dark Child, Scott Storch or Lil John. Just come hard with it.

  • Sara

    Who the hell is that drag queen playing Janet Jackson? no wonder there’s no chemistry with Nelly. He’s probably very very afraid.

  • Lynny

    Dear Janet,
    If you are trying to reclaim your place as R&B/Pop princess from Beyonce, this is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not the way to do it. Her video may be odd, but at least people have a reaction to it and her song is now stuck in my head. What is the name of yours again? You were my idol back in the day. I remember singing in my room to “Control” and learning the moves from Nasty Boys in the living room, playing and rewinding a VHS tape of it off of Friday Night Videos (that’s right, I said Friday Night Videos).What happened to you? You used to be so fierce and now… just… I can’t even talk to you right now.

  • Breea

    Janet needs to stop dressing like she’s still 20 years old because all that stomach out is OLD!!! Speaking of old, she looking raggedy in the face, like an old piece of worn leather.

  • chocolatespirit

    I like Janet and respect what she has done in terms of innovative performance styles that all the young’uns have ripped off–but we all know she’s no Chakha with the vocals-and that hasn’t stopped Madonna, but sorry girl at 40–all that breathy, falsetto nonsense doesn’t work unless the song is HOT, and it ain’t. And Nelly? Does ANYBODY care about Nelly anymore? If you gonna do a collabo as your comeback–comeback hard and get a rapper who can, uh, rap. Love you girl, think you’re beautiful big or small, but yeah, go have a burger, relax and pass the torch!

  • None_of_your_bizniz

    HER SINGLE IS #25 ON THE 100 BILLBORD SINGLE’S CHART SHITHEAD…..GET YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT.

  • Uxobii

    Whatever! Some of the posts here are from obvious Janet “haters”. Call on Me is a nice song and the video is a lot better than most of the crap videos out there. Call on Me set a billboard record on the R& B charts beating TLC’s old record and debuting better than Beyonce’s Deja vu. Janet has been around for over 20 years and people still remember her. Janet is an awesome entertainer. Looking forward to the release of 20 years old!

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