If you were on the fence about going to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, and hoping this morning’s reviews would help you make a decision, I fear you’re outta luck. A perusal of critics from across the country finds them decidedly split into camps that PinkIsTheNewBlog might label ”Woot!” and ”Boo!” (EW’s own Lisa Schwarzbaum is definitely in the latter, calling the flick ”a theme ride, if by ride you mean a hellish contraption into which a ticket holder is strapped, overstimulated but unsatisfied, and unable to disengage until the operator releases the restraining harness” in her D+ review). Read on, and if you’ve seen the movie for yourself, please choose a side in the comments section below.
-Joel Siegel, ABC News: "This film is so much fun. The cast has fun. The audience has fun. Your popcorn tastes better, it’s that much fun. And all the other wannabe summer blockbusters have been so serious and glum. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is the best summer movie of the summer. And, of course, you know it’s rated ‘Aargh!’"
-Bruce Westbrook, Houston Chronicle: "Emboldened by the original film’s $653 million global take, producer Jerry Bruckheimer has made a monster, turning a fun, fresh romp into a misguided mishmash of special-effects excess and horror-show repulsiveness. The charismatic cast that sparked the original is lost in a tempest of supernatural meanies and repulsive creepiness."
-Moira Macdonald, Seattle Times: "Quite possibly the silliest movie to grace multiplex screens this summer, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest can only be described as a hoot. A goofball riff on the pirate-movie genre, this sequel is as insubstantial as popcorn — and as delicious."
-Katherine Monk, Vancouver Sun: "The narrative details are murky and ill-formed, and once again, the talents in charge figured they could fix things with some fancy computer work. The code-writers worked overtime creating some magnificent illusions — particularly the creatures that form the crew of the Flying Dutchman, as well as Jones’s secret weapon: a giant octopus that crushes ships in one slimy embrace. Yet, for all the hard work, the film is soft in the middle as it runs around in circles and resists genuine emotional development."
-James Verniere, Boston Herald: "The best, most spectacular summer blockbuster thus far, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, the second installment in Disney’s Pirates trilogy, is more fun than a barrel of undead monkeys and an example of what a brilliant cast can do given half a chance and a director on top of his game."
-Ty Burr, Boston Globe: "Arrr, keelhaul the blaggards! The dreaded curse of the sequels hits home with a vengeance in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, a noisy and lazy stopgap movie that goes absolutely nowhere and takes 2 1/2 hours to get there."
-Randy Myers, Contra Costa Times: "The whole creaky plot is secondary to the manic, loud action pieces that sometimes resemble a Buster Keaton film. That and the razzle-dazzle digital effects, which seem to be produced by a team as large as the population of Byron. Undoubtedly, these artists pulled off something special, making Dead Man’s Chest the best special effects extravaganza since The Lord of the Rings movies. Sorry, King Kong, but the giant, grouchy octopus here even shows you up."
-Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor: "In the disappointing sequel, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, a strange thing has happened: Depp doesn’t figure in a large part of the action. Instead, we are given interminable scenes featuring Captain Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) and his scurvy crew, as well as far too many interludes involving dewy lovers Will (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth (Keira Knightley). Can it be that director Gore Verbinski and his screenwriters, Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, don’t understand the secret to their own success?"
-Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune: "This big-budget studio job does not provoke a conflicted or worse response, as does Superman Returns or the gone, already forgotten remakes The Omen and Poseidon. However bloated (nearly 2 1⁄2 hours, just as Black Pearl shouldn’t have been) and saggy in its midsection, if you’re at all into squiggly tentacles, all sizes, or Depp’s hilarious, feyly swanning characterization, this is the most satisfying big-screen excuse for overpriced popcorn so far this summer."
Comments (1-30) of 72 Add your comment
Yes, Joel Siegel, “the best summer movie of the summer”. Please pickup your Disney paycheck before leaving the office today.
Does anyone know what the hell happened to the So You Think You Can Dance TV Watch? I’ve been waiting for it all morning.
The reviews for the first one were pretty dismal, too, weren’t they? And people loved it. Hell, I’ll admit, I went into the first one thinking I was going to hate it, and I ended up enjoying it. It’s mindless, sure, but that’s a popcorn flick for you. It’s fun!
So I’ll give the second one a chance. I’ve seen a handfull of good reviews anyway.
I agree with you, Jess. Of the reviews that were not compliments, the reviewers tend to admit to not liking the first Pirates movie. This, to me, is a sin. Not liking Curse of the Black Pearl immediately sinks their credibility with me (and EW’s reviewer is one of this group), and shows me that they simply don’t like the kind of movies I do. Forget the critics; I’ll be throwing my $10 Disney’s way this weekend.
Oh Bugger. I’ll see the movie regardless of the reviews.
Nothing personal, Michael, but especially on a movie like Pirates, the critics don’t affect me at all.
Critics get paid to tell me what they think, and the system says their opinion should dictate my movie choices.
I’m not a moron, so I can make up my own mind.
Besides, who can resist pirates? They’re so sexy…
Who needs critics? We are our own people with our own minds. We don’t need someone to tell us what to think of a movie.
Sure, don’t get me wrong. Critics are usually around about a movie. When those silly, stupid movies come along like Fast and the Furious and Garfield, etc. However, sometimes, they tend to get it wrong.
Critics are only good for the Academy Awards.. if anything.
I meant right not around. Haha.
Just wanted to say to Rahul: “Please pickup your Disney paycheck before leaving the office today” may well be the funniest thing I’ve read about this entire article!
I saw a screening on Wednesday night and was very entertained. I am pretty sure the critics just don’t get the point of the movies. Definitely worth your money this weekend.
If you have a fun-loving personality, you will love the film..
If you are a ragged up stiff that needs to get laid, like Lisa, You hate it.
Discuss..
I’m reading these comments, and wow, a lot of ppl are misguided and WRONG. *GOOD* critics DON’T tell you what to think, they tell you what THEY think. It’s up to you if you want to take their word of how THEY felt. From good reviews I’ve read, they don’t say of how you should feel but they should tell you how THEY feel. It’s an expression, an opinion. They get paid because they are Profession Writers. Just because you know the alphabet, you think you can write a gripping review? Reviews should be entertaining and leave YOU thinking. Intelligent writers make you think for yourself, they dont’ tell you what to think. Get it right, ppl!
I cannot believe you have the nerve to put the film on your next cover after that pitiful review. The review seemed to say don’t see this lousy movie, but you’ll stoop low enough to use it to increase your sells. Aarrrgh!!!!
I just think some reviewers take themselves too seriously and approach every film with the same standard…and expect every film should measure up to Kurosawa or Bergman. It’s a foolish way to go into aa movie. When I see a reviewer criticizing a film like “Pirates” because it “resists genuine emotional development”, I feel like smacking them in the head. It’s like eating a Big Mac and then griping about how it wasn’t as good as the Kobe Beef you had the other night.
A movie like “Pirates” is brain candy, and as long as it doesn’t try to be anything else (which it doesn’t seem to be doing) then judge it as such. I’m not looking for any deep insights into the human situation from a Bruckheimer movie.
I’ll still go see it and be damned with the reviewers. I loved the first one too. The only thing that would make me worry is the one review saying that there is not enough Depp. I mean, there is never enough Depp, so I guess that is a given.
I love the ride too. Depp’s coolness factor quadrupled by being put in the ride.
Lynn, you do know that there’s more than one person working at EW, don’t you? Just because Lisa Schwarzbaum didn’t like the movie doesn’t mean the mag’s editors should now have to pull the film from its front cover. The magazine didn’t give the movie a bad review. One of it’s reviewers did and her opinions don’t necessarily represent the opinions of everyone at EW. You should read Mike’s post just ahead of yours.
I usually find that so many half-assed reviews equal one big half-assed movie. Can Orlando Bloom do ANYTHING right?
alli can say is if you loved the first, you will love the sequel too. it’s perfect movie summer fare. i can hardly wait until the next one!
Mike… it isn’t a political thread so get off your soapbox already.
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In my opinion, summer movies are supposed to be entertaining, gross, fun, exciting without too much depth to them (Lisa, take note.. if you want a thought provoking film then by all means stay home, rent The Hours or some other snoozefest )
Besides, who cares what anyone else thinks? I’m going to watch it because I enjoyed the first one.
Aaargh!
Clearly “reviewing the reviews” was not written by Scott Brown. In all those reviews, NOT ONE mention of the word “Kraken” is made. DUUUUDE! I thought the KRAKEN was going to be the man this summer! But alas, he gets the big dis instead. Scott Brown, we need you to bust out the Kraken references my man!
I’m so sick of reviewers. Sick of them!!! I agree with the comment someone made about comparing good food with mcdonalds (i paraphrased that) but seriously! Not every summer movie needs to have the freaking emotional depth as Citizen Kane! It’s nice out and unless your movie really has the fun summer factor going for it, which the Pirates franchise DOES, then people won’t pay for it. They already did enough character and emotional development in the first, and its based off a freaking AMUSEMENT PARK RIDE!!! Get over it and stop looking for the Mona Lisa in a comic book. And I have never liked any of the reviews EW uses in their magazines. Ever. It almost seems like every movie I end up loving they give a bad grade to, and every foreign or whacked out movie I can’t understand they give A+’s to. Maybe its time after 10 or so years to get some fresh blood in the mag, not just on the website.
If there’s one critic to never take seriously, it’s Joel Siegel. Sure I like the guy, but he consistantly praises Disney films. The guy reviews films for “Good Morning, Amercia” which airs on ABC Network which is owned by Disney. Connect the dots.
As for everyone else, they’re critics. They’re supposed to view films and give their collective thoughts to it’s audience…to which they choose whether or not to take said critic’s advice. Nothing more, nothing less. There’s no need of going after them just because they don’t agree with you.
As for “Pirates 2,” I’ve got my ticket for tonight’s 7:10 P.M. screening right here (bought it about 2 weeks ago!) But I’m honestly not expecting much of a film simply b/c I didn’t go “ga-ga” over the original like alot of folks did back in Summer 2003; looks like more of the same…
Oh my god, will you idiotic critics lighten up! It’s a pirate movie. Say it with me. “A PIRATE movie!” And it’s a damn good movie at that. I just went to the first showing at my local theater and the audience was loving it and had nothing but positive comments afterward. Just goes to show how clueless these holier than thou “critics” are. They complain that the plot is too ivolved. Then they complain that it’s a mindless popcorn movie. Tell you what. Get a real job and leave us to enjoy our fun summer movies in peace without your useless I’m-too-good-for-this-movie comments! I’m talking to you, Lisa Schwartzbaum!
Anything that Lisa Schwarzbaum hates, I know that I will enjoy. That poor woman is always so far off the mark most of the time.
I run a movie theatre and saw it Wednesday night at our manager’s screening. I liked it alot and thought most of it was in the vein of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. It isn’t as good as EMPIRE by any stretch of the imagination but I give props to any movie made in the otts that can put its main characters in grim circumstances from beginning to end. The critic debate is interesting because this film is absolutely criticproof. The folks in my small Northeastern town loved the film but were perplexed by the running time—now there is something to debate along with the EMPIRE similarities. SUPERMAN-2 hrs 47 minutes with previews, PIRATES 2hrs 41 minutes with previews, CARS(A kids movie for godsakes) 2 hrs 20 minutes with ONE MAN BAND and previews. BARBOSA=LANDO
ARRRRGH MATEYS!
Get a clue Lisa S! What have you got against Cap’n Jack and Company? The public adore them! Did you notice the “Pirates” lined up for the midnight openings? Did you hear the cheers and applause, not only at the end of the movie, but throughout? Do you not comprehend the Johnny Depp factor? What about the “Pirates are sooo COOL” factor? Yes, critics are there to review and give their opinions on movies. Yes, everyone is entitled to make their own decisions about them after reading the reviews. But when you are paid to give an opinion to advise the movie going populace at to which movies are worthy of their hard earned money, you should at least have a CLUE, a HINT, a GLIMMER of what it is that said movie going populace wants to see!
Dear EW:
Please, for the love of all of us who pay for your publication, get rid of Lisa Schwartzbaum. I can’t express in words how disgusted I am with this woman. To give the latest Pirates movie a D+ is just the latest of her feeble attempts to keep her cushy little job by impressing her snooty peers with her “where’s the artistic value??” crap. This movie in no way deserves to be, or was meant to be picked apart for not having what she defines as artistic value. She’s so high and mighty that she doesn’t understand the reasons why people go to the movies in the first place. Escapism. Entertainment. Fun. Not always for artistic value. Do millions of people flock to Disney World for its “artistic value?” Duh. Her review is completely out of context. Not to mention the fact that it’s gotten painful to read her poorly written reviews frought with endless run-on sentences and muddled vocabulary. “Without an artistic stake in eliciting joy (or sadness, or concern, or something other than a glazed giggle at Depp’s finery), there’s nothing to keep producer Jerry Bruckheimer, director Gore Verbinski, and their screenwriting galleymates from piling on another big false ending, and another, and another, Caribbean without end, until a pummeled audience begs for a toilet break and, for mercy’s sake, a real conclusion.” For mercy’s sake, conclude this bloated sentence already! Her high school English teacher should be ashamed. Besides, none of the people in the audience with whom I saw the movie seemed “pummeled” as they were laughing and enjoying the movie. Oh, and they loved the ending, just as I did. Schwartzbaum just hates movies that the rest of the free world enjoys. How does this qualify her to have her opinion published every week? Please, EW, find someone else much more deserving and intelligent to write your movie reviews. Ms. Schwartzbaum is long overdue to hit the want ads. And an introductory writing class.
I agree that most movies I enjoy get panned by critics, however the two critics I listen to most, my 9 and 11 year old kids, can’t stop talking about the movie. Saw it at 11:45 a.m. on opening day, and they’ve now convinced grandma, grandpa, and a whole assortment of relatives to get their butts to the screen and be a part of something FUN!!!!!! The countdown is on till part three drops. It’s nice to sit through a 2 1/2 hour movie and leave the theater and see my husband and kids so jazzed. The only downside, now the kids want to experiernce the ride, so I guess it’s win win for team Disney.
The three page slam given once again, to Pirates by Lisa Schwartzbaum, is an outrage. The problem, is with Lisa not Johnny. Seeing the movie last night was the most fun I’ve had at the theater all summer! We were in a packed super large theater and at least half the audience not only applauded at the end, but stayed until the end of the credits to get one more little of glimpse of the fantasy. We were not disappointed. The theater was loaded with school age children who were absolutely as engaged by Depp and company as the adults were, to the point of actually behaving for over 2 hours. Not C Worthy, Ms Schwartzbaum? My entire family gives it an A and we can’t wait for the next installment!