Archive: June 2006 (91-100 of 187)

Jun 15 2006 09:03 PM ET

'Sopranos': Which cast members won't make the cut?

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151811__sopranos_lImagine a Sopranos without Dr. Melfi and Meadow! Wait, you don’t have to imagine: That was season 6. Okay, imagine a Sopranos without Melfi, Meadow, A.J., Paulie Walnuts, Silvio, and Bobby Bacala. You might be imagining season 7 (season 6.5?), if a salary dispute among the actors and HBO isn’t resolved. The aforementioned posse feel left out of the series’ spoils, and this is their last chance to cash in. Thus: hardball. So far, neither side seems willing to give.

Golly, this might mean beginning the eight-ep finale season-ette with awkward lines about "poor Bobby, eaten by Janice, f—in’ tragic," or "poor Paulie, turns out there was an unresolved storyline lodged in his prostate, f—in’ tragic," or "poor Silvio, turns out he was really Stevie van Zandt from the E Street band,  f—in’ tragic."

Or perhaps: "Tony, you remember Cousin Coy and Cousin Vance, don’t you?"

Oh, who are we kidding? It’ll come down to the wire, a settlement will be worked out, the usual. There are too many storylines at stake. Unless, of course, HBO makes separate deals with separate players and union-busts ‘em. 

Just in case this gets really ugly, we’ve drawn up a storyline that ought to resolve HBO’s problem.

FADE IN

EXT. NEW JERSEY

Melfi, Meadow, A.J., Paulie Walnuts, Silvio, and Bobby Bacala all go into a store. Pan up to name of store: DYNAMITE STORE

CLERK: Hey, you there! Yeah, you, the Italian stereotype! There’s no smoking in he—

[Note: HBO, if you want to use this, just gimme a call, I'll tighten up the dialogue a bit, and we're golden.]

But this all raises the question: Which of the above characters could you live without?

Jun 15 2006 08:41 PM ET

Spider-Man comes out -- and just in time!

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151811__spider_lThese superheroes, man. Why they gotta throw it in your face?

Spider-Man has come out… as Peter Parker. It’s in the latest edition of Marvel’s "Civil War" story arc. In the Marvel-verse, there’s apparently a debate raging over secret identities, with some heroes feeling they should stand and be counted (and registered) from purposes of transparency and safety. Others (including ultrapatriot Captain America) disagree.

Forgive me, but I’ve got to question the timing of this announcement. Just as Superman’s buzz builds (along with his own set of coming-out rumors), Spidey jumps into the limelight with his own unmasking. I’m not making any accusations. I’m just saying: Maybe a certain arachnoid emo-boy is aligning his politics with his publicity machine.

Again, I’m not slinging mud. But superheroes know how the game works. Don’t be surprised when the Blue Beetle files a frivolous lawsuit against Volkswagen on June 27.

Jun 15 2006 05:18 PM ET

Suit up! It's Neil Patrick Harris' birthday!

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94429__harris_lLet’s all wish Neil Patrick Harris a legend — wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant — dairy birthday. The actor, who seems to have finally escaped his Doogie Howser past with an image-obliterating cameo in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (warning: not work-safe) and his vicious portrayal of Barney on CBS’ sophomore sitcom How I Met Your Mother, turns 33 today. And some slightly obsessed fans have put together highly amusing clip shows (here, here, and here) to pay him tribute. Enjoy!

Jun 15 2006 04:20 PM ET

Is the term 'Madonna scandal' played out?

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94429__madonna_lAOL Music has put together a gallery of Madonna’s most controversial moments, along with a reader poll to determine whether said greatest hits were ultimately shocking, boring, or entertaining. As of this moment, readers (52 percent of ‘em, to be specific) rate Madge ticking off Planned Parenthood with the ”keeping my baby” hook on ”Papa Don’t Preach” as the most yawn-inducing, while her Truth or Dare documentary ranks as the most crowd-pleasing. (Good taste, people!)

Still, here’s what I want to know: How come the article makes no mention of the latest (and most baffling) Madonna-related hullabaloo — girlfriend’s inability to score any kind of serious airplay for ”Get Together,” the spacey-fabulous third single off Confessions on a Dancefloor? In my opinion, what Madonna really needs to reivigorate her airplay fortunes is a big-budget video that returns her to the storytelling vibe she favored on ”Take a Bow,” ”Bad Girl,” and ”Music.”

How ’bout this for a concept? Madonna as a frustrated Nebraska housewife who begins a passionate extramarital affair with the foxy extraterrestrial (Josh Holloway) she meets during a kinky alien-abduction experience. Am I on to something here, or have you got a better idea? Holla back!

Jun 15 2006 02:55 PM ET

People pimps for Taylor Hicks

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Tags: , , American Idol

94429__taylor_lThe great scholar Haddaway once posed the all-consuming question: ”What is love?” And today, our corporate sisters at People have the answer: Love, my friends, is American Idol.

Yes, Paula Abdul‘s been trying to tell us that for years now, but People has actual ”scientific” proof: A whopping 23 percent of the magazine’s just-released countdown of the Hottest Bachelors of 2006 is comprised of men who graced the Idol stage this year. The show’s reigning champ Taylor Hicks ranks as the mag’s Bachelor No. 1, and having seen him in the flesh here at PopWatch HQ last month, I’m not about to dispute the dude’s silver foxiness. That said, Taylor might not be single for long — not if he’s able to learn the identity of a certain Cinderella who caught his eye on a recent flight. (How very On the Line of him; let’s hope the folks at 19 Entertainment don’t turn it into a movie.)

My only objection to People’s rankings — which plumb the general hottitude of Jake Gyllenhaal, Donald Faison, Matthew McConaughey, and others — is the fact that Idol also-ran Ace Young wasn’t disqualified for an interview that borders on self-parody. Asked what his fans go crazy for, the off-key crooner notes, "my butt, my hair and my face. A lot of fans call me Ace the Face. I think it’s the cheekbones." Oh, Ace, how you make us blush — for all the wrong reasons.

Jun 15 2006 01:32 PM ET

Happy morning!

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Reason No. 738 I like to start my day with Diet Coke, not coffee: this insane new ad campaign from the folks at Folgers. To describe the TV commercial in detail would be to ruin the loopy fun, but I’ll say this much: The scene involving a bathroom skylight seems to have been ripped straight out of my most paranoid morning anxieties. (The gold people scare me!) As our friends at Metafilter describe it: ”We’ve just replaced Bob’s Folgers with 5,000 micrograms of LSD.” Check it out for yourself (keep an eye out for the growling dog) and let me know what you think.

Jun 15 2006 10:00 AM ET

Superman is a) gay, b) Jesus, or c) Nietzschean hero?

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143249__super_lIf Superman had an office, he’d be sitting in it right now, superfingers massaging his supertemples, staring at a phone that won’t stop ringing. "Man, oh man," he’d sigh, "everybody wants a piece of Superman. Can’t a guy just Return already?"

Everyone does want a piece of Supes, of course. Because Superman belongs to everyone. For weeks, the Superman-is-gay debate has raged, focusing on the duality of Supes’ personality, his hidden identity, his suppressed fabulousness. (No, no, no! say the filmmakers, with utter predictability.)

There’s the Superman-is-Jesus thesis, centering on his function as a "savior" and the fact that he’s a man, yet not a man. There’s also the reading of Superman-as-immigrant, or, more specifically, as the quintessential American Jew: Cast out of his birthplace, his power waxes as he assimilates. And, theologically speaking, that’s not incompatible with the idea of a Messiah. (Supes was created by two Jews, after all.)

And then there’s the idea that Superman is, well, a superman, in the Nietzschean sense, an idea best advanced by David Carradine’s Kill Bill Vol. 2 speech, which notes that Clark Kent is Superman’s chosen disguise, his imitation of the typical human: weak, cowardly, "a critique of the whole human race." On a possibly related note, Frank Miller (and others before him) saw Superman as an embodiment of the American superpower: proud, mighty, and blinkered. (He set him in opposition to Batman, the American id.)

So who/what is Superman? It seems pretty certain that Superman, like every icon, is all of the above, and more. The test of a good icon is its ability to absorb a multitude of interpretations. Like mine, for example: Superman, clearly, is a vertically challenged entertainment writer from North Carolina. What’s the Kryptonite in this metaphor? Oh, like I’m telling you.

Jun 14 2006 09:36 PM ET

Sandino Moreno joins 'Love in the Time of Cholera'

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143249__catalina_lFor some, the movie biz is magical; for others, realistic. It’s been floated in back tattle channels that J. Lo wanted a part in the Mike Newell adaptation of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera.  The female lead (Fermina, to be played by Giovanna Mezzogiorno) has been taken for a while — and by an Italian, no less. (The male lead, Florentino, is Spaniard Javier Bardem — positively un-South American!) But now a large supporting role, that of Fermina’s cousin Hildebranda Sanchez, has gone to Catalina Sandino Moreno (Maria Full of Grace).

I rather doubt she’d have settled for a supporting role anyway. But all the same, it’s a blow. Cheer up, Ms. Lopez. There’s always One Hundred Years of Solitude, which I hear will be shot by Terence Malick. In real time.

Jun 14 2006 09:31 PM ET

I paid $15 to save Screech's house

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Screech is in danger of losing his house, but you can help, with just $15.

Yesterday, Dustin Diamond, formerly of Saved By the Bell, told Howard Stern’s listeners that he needs about 30,000 of you to help him raise $250,000 over the next 30 days in order to save his Wisconsin home from foreclosure. But you might ask: "What do I get in return for this generous $15 contribution to the Save Screech’s House fund — besides the piece of mind of knowing that I am supporting a fine, young artist? A ticket to a Zach Attack benefit show? Perhaps a charity lunch hosted by Screech’s robot roommate Kevin?

No, you get a T-shirt — pardon me, a "D-shirt" — that says "I paid $15 to help Screech save his house."

A $20 donation gets you a D-shirt signed with an obscene remark directed toward a New York Capital Exchange employee that Screech initially relied on to help him save his house. (Snap! Sock it to him, Screech. You give it to him like you gave it to Horshack in the second round of your Celebrity Boxing 2 match.)

But seriously, PopWatch readers: Give and give generously to Dustin Diamond. He did unto others when he let Jesse Spano be valedictorian just because he knew how much it meant to her. Now it’s time for us to do unto Screech.

(A single tear.)

Jun 14 2006 08:35 PM ET

The world's worst director wants to fight you

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143249__uweboll_lUwe Boll, widely touted as the world’s worst director, wants you to hit him in the face. Will you take him up on it?

All connoisseurs of crap are familiar with the ewwy oeuvre of Uwe: House of the Dead. Alone in the Dark. Bloodrayne. All based on second-tier video games whose licenses Boll somehow got ahold of. The upcoming In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, hotly anticipated by crapsthetes the world over. (This latest entry in the Boll roll promises to answer the longstanding question: What if I remade Lord of the Rings in my backyard with $6 and Ray Liotta?)

Uwe’s tired of comments like that. So tired of them, in fact, that he’s challenging his critics to a duel. Like the Bond villain he aspires to be, he’ll fly them to his base of operations in Vancouver, treat them to a hotel stay, and then go 10 rounds with them as cameras roll. The footage will be used in Postal, his latest crime against celluloid.

I’d take him up on it, but the rules stipulate a similar weightclass, and Boll’s got a serious advantage on my puny frame. So the cry goes out for a champion: Who will fight Uwe in my place? 

However the bout turns out, I can guarantee this much: Boxing with Uwe has to be less awkward than eating an ironic dinner with him.

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