Meet Prince Lorenzo Borghese, the new 'Bachelor'

162232__prince_lNow, I’m not even a gal, and the words "pet odor and breath products" get me all a-quiver. What chance, then, will the ladies of The Bachelor have against the charms of Prince Lorenzo Borghese, the latest man-prize to stem the rose for ABC?

Yes, he’s a prince. It’s not just his name. I don’t know much about Italian royalty, but I do know his surname sounds delicious. I want to eat it with some fava beans and nice Chianti. But that might be because I’ve consumed nothing all day except a handful of dry-roasted peanuts and the Little Man trailer. 

Anyway, the guy makes pet cosmetics. I guess someone has to do it. Pets aren’t just going to stop tarting themselves up like little furry streetwalkers, no matter how many times you tell them they’re pretty "just the way they are." So he’s meeting a need, filling a niche. That’s great. It’ll make a great "third date" story. First date? Stick to the royalty angle and don’t get into details. That’s what I do, except I’m lying about the royalty part. (I did once convince this British girl I was the son of "the tire king of North Carolina.")

What do we think, folks? Is he sufficiently dreamy? Is a fortune built on dog mascara a turnoff? Is The Bachelor a creepy, regressive fertility rite? Give me your answers, do!

addCredit(“Prince Lorenzo Borghese: Eric Leibowitz”)

Comments (183 total) Add your comment
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  • kriselda jarnsaxa

    His pet products don’t look too ridiculous (except for the rugby sweaters, but I HATE pet clothes…), but I’m not sure I’d call him “dreamy”. He might be, but he’d have to get that hair fixed first. I have no idea what’s going on with it, but something is TERRIBLY off….

  • Nancy

    I can’t stop laughing.

  • Cynic

    Does ABC still make money from this concept? Please cancel this royal booty call, and give us another season of Invasion.

  • Tommy Marx

    He looks like he goes to the same hairstylist as Donald Trump. Yuk! If I was one of the bachelorettes this season (which would require a sex change and a frontal lobotomy beforehand), I’d be pissed. After some of the hot bachelors from previous seasons, imagine their “delight” when they meet the prissy pet prince.

  • starrymonday

    I have to admit that The Bachelor is a guilty pleasure and I wouldn’t let anyone know on a third date, let alone first date that I watch it.
    But this is too much… He’s an Italian prince… That makes pet supplies.
    No witty statement in response could make it any funnier.

  • lucy

    cute, but prove no comb over. seriously guys, if you’re balding just go with it.
    there is a human cosmetics line that is named princess marcella borghese, any relation?
    but yeah, pet cosmetics..? people actually buy them? i wish i had known that there were people so obsessed with looks that i could make a fortune off their pets eyelashes. so that’s what goes on in those pageants…

  • Maria

    He looks like every frat boy I knew in college. ABC, can this show already. If I weren’t already a feminist, this show would make me become one.

  • Scylina

    If he is a prince, why is it so hard for him to find a young lady? He has everything anyone would dream of having but what is his complex?

  • daisyj

    Little catch: Italy dissolved its aristocracy in the middle of the last century- his title of ‘prince’ is meaningless. So basically, what we’ve got here is a rich, moderately attractive guy… who makes dog cosmetics.

  • David

    “Pets aren’t just going to stop tarting themselves up like little furry streetwalkers, no matter how many times you tell them they’re pretty “just the way they are.” Ahhh … Scott Brown … you have made my day with that line alone. Thank you for that.

  • Bobbyh

    Yes, the furry streetwalker line is very funny. I’ll be chuckling about that one all day. Brilliant!

  • Lu

    Prince Cheeseball.

  • Madeline

    It is sad to know that all the money in the world can’t buy a good hair style.
    But I will still watch because for some reason, I am addicted to this show.

  • anne

    Please!!!!Stop the insanity of these shows. They all break up once fantasyland is over.

  • C

    I laughed until it hurt. Then I went to the pet cosmetics website. It was actually nice! I’m considering purchasing some pet shampoo and a pet bed. If I were him, I wouldn’t slap my face on my products though. I would just own the line of products developed under a brand name. He just looks silly and isn’t Bachelor material at all (neither were the rest of the guys). This is doomed from the start. What chick would want to try to develop a relationship with a guy who doesn’t live in your own country?

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