The J. Lo tell-all: We have (fake) excerpts

15474__jlo_lWhat follows is a totally, completely, not-so-authentic excerpt from the notorious upcoming J. Lo tell-all by ex-husband Ojani Noa. The book itself is in litigation filed by Ms. Lo,  but its supremely witty title — The Unknown Truth: A Passionate Portrait of a Serial Thriller — promises greatness. Greatness we can’t wait for. Here’s our best fabrication approximation of the juicy passages Jennifer Lopez doesn’t want you to read.

p. 24
"Jennifer came in after a long day, removed her famous behind, and sat down. That’s right: She removed it. It’s nothing but an oversized fannypack from Sam’s Club. Jennifer is actually quite slim-hipped, with a build comparable to that of a young Don Knotts. Inside the fake ass-pack: a secret stash of Red Hots and a copy of The Fountainhead with a bookmark that never seems to move."

p. 178
"Jennifer thinks Matt Damon probably did ‘all the heavy lifting’ on the Good Will Hunting screenplay. ‘Also,’ she told me over dinner, ‘the shrink scenes are kind of trite, aren’t they?’"

p. 351
"I walked in to find Jennifer in a compromising position with the computer that synth-enhances her voice. There were memory sticks and USB cables all over the room: They weren’t even trying to hide it. ‘YOU CAN’T PLEASE HER THE WAY I CAN!’ bleeped the AudioMaster X650, as Jennifer broke down in tears."

This blogger, for one, can’t wait for the movie.

addCredit(“Jennifer Lopez: Jeffrey Mayer/”)

Comments (21 total) Add your comment
Page: 1 2
  • johnathan

    hahahahaha, Ms. Lo…genius

  • Aramis

    Pg. 250
    “Jennifer tells me that she has a new hook-up in the industry. Tommy has her working with Ja Rule. So when I tell her that Mariah has already worked with him she rolls her eyes. ‘Please, that hoe ain’t got ish on me…’Sides, you heard about the movie that song is going to be on a soundtrack for?…enough said’. So when I tell her that stealing music from prominent divas is wrong she guts me in the stomach with her Je-Lo booty and I fly across the room and hit my head against the wall. It took six bodyguards and a whiff of Glow – damn that ish stinks! – to rouse me…”

  • sucka

    Wow Scott Brown, you really have a gift for making people laugh….NOT!

  • unducova

    Another ass joke, how original. Can’t these bloggers be more creative. Oh yea, they can’t…that’s why the only thing they’re capable of doing in life is to blog.

  • Monday

    You did crack me up with the fanny pack from Sam’s club. You go guy.

  • pn

    Funny Funny Funny.

  • Joe C

    Pg 378–I got offered the lead role in a stupid movie called Chicago. Richard Gere is the lead guy, and he’s supposed to dance?!?!? I passed on it, and that chic Renee-you-had-me-at-hello Zellwegger or something took it. Watch her career go down the drain! Hah!

  • terminator

    Eh, bashing J.Lo is sooo two years ago. We need to find someone else to pick on.

  • madeline7

    Noa’s stuck in 1997.
    EW’s stuck in 2004.
    Jen & Marc have the last laugh.

  • madeline7

    Noa’s stuck in 1997.
    EW’s stuck in 2004.
    Jen and Marc have the last laugh.

  • TH

    Ha ha – Ojani Noa even told the judge today that he “finds it unfair” when the judge approved the $545,000 award and denied him postponing the case another 30 days to “find an attorney”. What is up with him representing himself anyway?? No wonder why he never had a chance – he’s an freaking idiot! Ojani, pay up sucker!!! HAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHA

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