Congratulations, Los Angelenos! Your mayor has declared that this Tuesday, April 4, is Crash Day, in honor of the homegrown Best Picture Oscar winner whose flattering portrait of your city’s racial cordiality has done such wonders for L.A.’s tourism bureau and chamber of commerce. (No doubt it’s just a coincidence that Tuesday is also the date that the Crash director’s-cut edition hits DVD. April 4 is also the anniversary of Martin Luther King’s assassination; you can decide for yourself whether that’s also a coincidence.)
We’re sure you’ll all be busy this weekend planning your Crash Day parties. You’ll want to hang some streamers, buy blanks for your firearms, change the locks on your doors (and then have them changed again by someone who doesn’t look like a gang member), refill your mom’s refrigerator, car-jack an SUV to shuttle your guests, think up creative racial invective to hurl at strangers, loot a convenience store, and hug your maid. Oh, and get plenty of ice — you can never have too much ice.
A couple of safety tips, though: First, remember your mom’s advice and always wear clean underwear, in case you get into a car accident, or if you’re groped by a racist cop. Second, when you car-jack someone, always wear your seat belt.