Get ready for 'Ocean's A Billion'!

91044__ellen_lBecause a lot of suckers (including this one) saw the luxuriantly self-indulgent Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Thirteen will begin principal photography on July 21. (See what happens when you go to the movies, America?) The new-model Ocean’s will feature Ellen Barkin (pictured) as a May-December love-interest for Matt Damon’s character. (In Hollywood, land of Lolita-seeking septuagenarians, such a pairing is considered a boldly progressive gender switch, and will doubt earn some Warner executive an armistice with the hordes of unemployed over-30 actresses now numerous enough to form their own violent hobo army.)

But the real question is, how “meta” will Ocean’s Thirteen get? My guess is, Julia Roberts will play Julia Roberts playing a character who looks like Julia Roberts who, in fact, is Julia Roberts. And it will be shot entirely at Spago, between courses. Except it won’t be Julia Roberts at all. It’ll be Lyle Lovett. No, Billy OCEAN. No, a cardboard standee of Billy Ocean! Wearing an ironic T-shirt! And let’s not discount the possibility that the movie has already started, and this blog is part of it! I could be on camera right now! Playing myself! Except, you know, famous! And you’re all in the movie too! Somebody, quick, post a comment — it’s your line!

addCredit(“Ellen Barkin: Stephen Lovekin/WireImage.com”)

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Comments (12 total) Add your comment
  • Ep Sato

    Sophia Loren’s role in “Grumpier old men” proved it’s possible for a 50+ woman to still be sexy. Maria Conchita Alonzo and Demi Moore proved the same sort of sexy older lady can still attract a younger man, and now Sharon Stone and Ellen Barkin are out to prove that a 50+ woman can mack a younger guy on screen AND make decent box office receipts.
    Can the golden era of the sugar mama be far away? If so, I look forward to seeing my childhood crushes age like fine wine (Leah Thompson, Phoebe Gates, Molly Ringwald, and other 80’s queens, I am totally looking in your direction!).

  • William

    I’ll have the chicken scallopini.

  • Amy

    I’m in the minority: I liked Ocean’s 12; I even bought the DVD, so I’m looking forward to Ocean’s 13, though not as much as I’m looking forward to The Good German, and all the other Oceaners upcoming projects.

  • Tim L

    Is this blog even a blog? Or have the words simply become hyper-real and a simulacra of what once was. Ah Film Theory…preccccciiiiioooooussssss.

  • mike

    I thought Mrs. Pitt would be #13. A better script is called for. When there is such a drop-off between the sequel and the original be careful. Above all people, George Clooney should be wary of bad, bad sequels.

  • jim

    Didn’t Robert Altman warn us about things like this in the first twenty minutes of The Player.

  • Kip

    ellen barkin! It about time she made a comeback!

  • Tim

    Ocean’s 12 was OK. You could tell the cast had a good time filming it, even though there wasn’t much of a story.
    I still have a fondness for the original Ocean’s 11. First time I saw it was on New Year’s Eve.

  • texmex

    funny funny article Scott Brown!

  • TBN

    J-Ro won’t be in Ocean’s Thirteen.
    I don’t know why I know this. I slept through the first one.

  • Martin

    barkin’s “comeback” started with Palindromes last year. i liked O12 – its indie look, complicated plot, nudges at the actors…013 should do fine and you know what, it fits – it should be a trilogy…why not. people will go see it, and the actors seem to enjoy it (or enjoyed it – evidently george and brad don’t see eye to eye on some scheduling details). will this be out by x-mas ’06?

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