Tom Cruise's adventures in self-parody

Here’s Tom Cruise on the subject of self-parody:

Traditionally, self-parody has required self-awareness. But recent advances in celebrity brain-scrambling technology have rendered self-awareness obsolete. Here’s how it works, in five easy steps:

1. You are Tom Cruise, in dire need of a public appearance with your kinderbetrothed after recent, hotly denied reports of a break-up.

2. Terry Semel, former head of Warner Bros. Studios, now of Yahoo, gives you just such an opportunity, inviting you to take part in the company’s annual Influential Speakers event. You are, after all, an influential speaker, because your speech routinely causes the whole world to laugh at you.

3. On the advice of your legal counsel, publicist, acupuncturist, astrotherapist, OPEC, and the frozen head of L. Ron Hubbard, you decide to go the self-parody route. Your plan: Reenact a notorious incident of furniture abuse from last summer’s War of the Worlds press push. "Look at me! Wasn’t I silly back then? That was a silly time! A silly, silly time! But rest assured, I know it was silly! BECAUSE HERE I AM DOING IT AGAIN!"

4. Lead out your pregnant squeeze, State Fair-style, to show the cameras what you gone and done inseminated, all by yourself, with no help.

5. Drinks and high-fives afterwards with Isaac Hayes.

Comments (8 total) Add your comment
  • lauren

    sooo true. the minute all the bad press about South Park came out you JUST knew you would see cruise in a family friendly way. with the fraudulent relationship and pregancy of poor katie holmes. the man must be stopped, he is a monster. and he reaaaly should come out of the closet already. even a gay guy could make a baby if he really wants to

  • You Know It’s Fake

    Thank you EW for having the balls to speak up about the Tom Cruise crazy train. I wish more media outlets would start calling bull to his nonsense. The media needs to remember, Tom Cruise needs you, but, in reality, you can exist without him.

  • mary

    Hi guys,
    listen to this: give Tom Cruise a break; nobody’s perfect.
    YOU are monsters and doesn’t have respect for human nature.
    That’s it, deal with it or kill yourself.
    Tom was truly nice, a true gentleman. I wish him the best.
    My wishes for you? grow up, and try to sound like adults.

  • Lauren

    You deserve major kudos for the term ‘kinderbetrothed’. Seriously, I laughed for about a minute.

  • Jason

    Dear Mary,
    Illiterates need not apply.
    Thank you.
    p.s. Tom Cruise is a wack job.

  • dma69

    Mary, Mary quite contrary,
    How does your Tom Cruise garden grow?
    With Xenu shells and e-meter bells
    And pretty catatonic Katies all in a row.

  • bonita

    Too funny for words.
    We should start a “dont see MI:3″ in May…to protest Cruises antics and anti hate speech.

  • helen

    Take your pill Lauren and get lost.

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