Live-blogging the Oscars with Joan and Melissa on TV Guide

19228__joan_lEntertainment Weekly’s Michael Slezak offered his insights live from New York on TV Guide Channel’s red-carpet coverage (starring Joan and Melissa Rivers):

6:08 p.m. And she’s off and running! Joan rails against Rachel Weisz’s ”stupid pig publicity girl” for convincing the Best Supporting Actress nominee to skip the requisite TV Guide Channel interview.

6:13 p.m. "It’s all about writers!" shrieks Joan, after interviewing nominated scribes from A History of Violence and Crash. Somewhere Rachel Weisz’s ”stupid pig publicity girl” is laughing.

6:20 p.m. How charming is Junebug‘s Amy Adams, excitedly showing off the pockets in her Carolina Herrera dress and using the phrase ”yes, ma’am” to address Joan.

6:23 p.m. Melissa declares pregnant Rachel Weisz is the front-runner for Best Supporting Actress because Academy members want to see her water break when she hears her name called. Nice.

addCredit(“Oscar Statuette: © AMPAS”)

6:34 p.m. Just wondering: Any of you actually planning to text-message a vote in Verizon’s ”sexiest female nominee” contest?

6:36 p.m. Joan introduces bionic thespian Lee Majors as Brokeback Mountain screenwriter Larry McMurtry. ”Thank you for making me look like an a–,” she says, craftily trying to misplace the blame.

6:37 p.m. Melissa announces TV Guide Channel is employing a ”cleavage cam” to help determine the winner of oscar’s ”best rack” and ”best a–” awards.

6:42 p.m. Gary Busey tries his hand at comedy. ”What is a smart blonde?” he asks Joan. Answer: ”A golden retriever.”

6:43 p.m. Wait a second. Why is Gary Busey at the Oscars?

6:48 p.m. Matt Dillon’s wearing a classic bow tie and tux because that’s what Sinatra would’ve done. Fair enough.

6:50 p.m. Cohost Greg Proops spots Jack Nicholson on the red carpet and declares he’s accompanied by Croatian teenagers ”Svenga" and "Timby,” who’ve never seen TV or electricity. We’ve either just heard the first nominee for the night’s lamest joke, or a peculiar news tidbit that requires a lot more explanation.

6:54 p.m. ”You’ve known me since I was a B-cup!” Dolly Parton tells Joan. How come no one’s ever offered her a job doing red-carpet interviews?

6:55 p.m.
Capote director Bennett Miller says his next project might be The Joan Rivers Story. Seriously, that’d be kind of awesome.

6:58 p.m. I wonder if the network brass ever bother to reprimand Joan for her unsavory one-liners, like telling George Clooney she’s sure he’ll be taking home ”a little gold person — and it’s not Jackie Chan.”

7:01 p.m. Another half-hour to go? I think I just experienced a pang of longing for Ryan Seacrest.

7:28 p.m. Joan, talking to Steve Carell about his recent string of successes, declares, ”All this because you weren’t the best-looking kid in the class!” She’s lucky his wife Nancy Walls doesn’t slap her.

7:30 p.m. The shame spiral continues: Joan jokes with Will Smith about having had a previous romantic relationship with his mother-in-law.

7:31 p.m. Okay, where’s the dude with the hook? Joan’s telling Ludacris she always thought hip-hop was going to be ”a fad that would come and go.”

7:32 p.m. Well, it’s not the hook, but Team Rivers is calling it a day. What can we look for in their day-after Oscar coverage? ”It’s gonna be about racks and a–es. The usual stuff that we teach our children,” Joan screeches. Sounds like must-see TV to me.

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Comments (8 total) Add your comment
  • kierny

    Can’t stand the Rivers hags but a treat to read any of your recaps: all the fun, none of the pain of actually watching. Thanks.

  • Ted

    Agreed. Thanx for watching so we don’t have to.

  • fat boy

    Joan Rivers looks like she died 20 years ago and they just keep pulling her out and propping her up next to Melissa for these awards shows. Not that Melissa looks that much better. Dang I’m mean.

  • daisyj

    Did not watch the Riverses. Am wondering who got so mad at la Joan that they shoved a dust mop over her head and down to her shoulders.

  • A Socialite’s Life

    Oscar Leftovers

    A shocked Andy Towle (okay I audibly gasped as well) and various opinions on why Crash won Best Picture over Brokeback Mountain. [Towleroad]Give celebrities a camera at an Oscar party, and they’ll do some “wacky” things. [Moviefone]So how did Joan and …

  • concerned humanitarian

    fat boy- I think it’s more the other way around. I think Melissa’s inhumanly white teeth caused her mother to suffer radiation poisoning that further deteriates her mind, but somehow manages to make her physically look younger than her own daughter.

  • johnathan

    Hey, I think Joan is hilarious. The little gold man comment? Priceless.

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