'The Bachelor': An open letter to poor Moana

15535__moana_l_1Dear Moana,

I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t disappointed to see you break down in tears on last night’s edition of The Bachelor, but at least for the first few episodes, you tried to conduct yourself with some self-respect. In your defense, even the toughest of cookies might’ve crumbled under the same hellish conditions: isolated in a foreign country, surrounded by a pack of jealous, desperate she-beasts (like drunken Tara and plastic Susan) who seem to get far more animated when they’re ganging up on you than they do during their dates with Travis.

What was your crime again, Moana? Oh, that’s right, failing to declare your love for a man you’ve been dating for less than two weeks, the same man who’s simultaneously courting at least five other women. If this is the framework for a ”fairy tale romance,” as your fellow Bachelorettes keep calling it, then what’s Jame Gumb’s basement pit in Silence of the Lambs? A relaxing day spa?

I don’t know what infuriated me more, that Travis brought back booted Jen and Shiloh to choose which remaining women would get individual dates, or seeing these same bitter hyenas tag-team you — ”You’re not nervous at all?” ”You absolutely should be.” — without ever acknowledging how jealous they were that you’d outlasted them in the competition.

How I wish you’d gotten up and left the room rather than spilling your guts to them! You should’ve realized no man is worth such misery — certainly not one who travels to Paris to fall in love, then admits he doesn’t even like French food. Mon dieu! Sure, he’s a doctor with a washboard stomach, but he’s only got one adjective (”amazing”) in his repertoire. (Sort of like Jehan, who’s similarly obsessed with the word ”awesome.”) And he’s about as emotionally developed as a wedge of Brie. Too bad you didn’t hear his to-the-camera confessional: ”I’m just gonna base the next rose ceremony on what I’m feeling. Because, at this point, feelings I think are the most important thing.”

See what I mean? Seriously, it’s not too late to pack your bags (and your dignity) and get the heck out of the reality game. It’d be, like, awesome and amazing if you did.

Wishing you the best,

Michael Slezak

Comments (365 total) Add your comment
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  • sunny

    I lost count of the “Awesomes and Amazings” after the first 15 minutes. How about the “You Guys’es”. When is ABC going to bury this show? Of course we are still watching and I always hate myself in the morning, until I read the Popwatch – then I don’t feel so bad!!

  • Manny

    I LOVE MOANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE’S FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!

  • Laura

    I don’t dislike Moana, but it’s not just that she doesn’t declare undying love. It’s that she says things like “she’s not Travis’ type” and the like and acts totally disinterested and them monopolizes him. Now, I think the other girls were totally off-base in what they did to her on last night’s episode. You never gossip about someone like that, and how dare they not apologize. But I can understand them being frustrated at what appears to be her duplicity. Which is the real Moana?

  • tammy

    I admit it, I’m an addict to The Bachelor. I’m glad at least one other person is watching. Kelly Ripa ragged on it this morning too. She makes fun of how they are always drunk. If the previews aren’t too misleading, I think the at home visits might be good. I love the Mom who said “how do you know THEY aren’t acting?” ‘-)

  • GoddessLu

    Moana, how could you let the sorority sisters do that to you? Michael was absolutely correct in that they expend more energy trashing you than actually going for Travis and then fault you for saying that you’re not Travis’s type. For the bubbleheaded, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like him, it just means that she’s observant enough to see that she is not his typical date and it certainly doesn’t mean she’s not interested. It just means that she has some composure and discretion, 2 admirable qualities. Why trash her for going for him in plain view rather than backstabbing like the rest? I hope she wins but I’m sure Travis will pick someone vacuous and vapid like Pageant Queen Susan or Self-Righteous Sarah from TN. Drunk Girl’s parting shot at Moana was just idiotic and if he has half a brain he’d dismiss it. BUT of course…

  • Dan

    This is reality?
    Sorry, it is pretty good entertainment though.
    Wonder who’s mom knows it’s acting.

  • JrsyGrl

    Hey, did anyone else notice how the producers tried to trick everyone with the previews of the upcoming rose ceremony? They showed it about a million times, and every time, it looked like the back of Tara’s head, but she was holding a rose as she whispered “Someone here is trying to fool you”!!! Tara didn’t get a rose last night, so they obviously showed video that didn’t match with the audio. I’m sure they do it alot, but it’s very annoying when it’s so obvious.

  • apollonia corleone

    Dear Doctor:
    Do you take Oxford?

  • CC

    I love Moana! Those other girls are horrible, and Moana is the only normal, real girl there. The other girls should be ashamed of themselves for acting like a bunch of jealous middleschoolers and going w/the herd mentality to just gang up on her. I don’t know if she’d be a “winner” to end up w/Travis–he seems pretty dull–but it’d be nice to shove it in the faces of all those crazy girls if Moana won.

  • Carolyn

    Thank you! Everything you just wrote was right on! From how sad it was to watch Moana lose that indifference and mystery that made her so respectable to the annoying “awesomes” and “amazings”. It is so nice to know others are thinking the same things. I thought I must be the only one who loves Moana!

  • apollonia corleone

    Hmmmm. But wait a minute…Is Moana’s tears all an act? If so, WHAT BRILLIANT STRATEGY!!!!

  • Karen

    My husband and I are going to do the “Amazing” drinking game from now on. We will have to stick to beer though, because if you drank a shot of liquor every time one of them said “amazing”, you’d end up with alcohol poisoning. Maybe Tara was actually just playing that the whole time!

  • Cheri

    Is Sarah from Canada on drugs? She seems consistantly “High”. She doesn’t seem to be able to say a full sentence.

  • Mimi

    At first I thought “Oh Travis”, but 5 minutes later I realized that there is a reason why that guy doesn’t have a girl-friend. He is boring and very typical. Also, he obviously thinks too much of himself, I am not sure why that is. This is a reality show and he might be absolutely great without cameras and crazy, drunk women running around him, but we will never know.

  • Angela

    I am a total Bachelor junkie. I think Moana is great! With the attitude and all. I hope he choses you at the end and I hope you dont accept it so that he poor boring ego is crushed and all the other airheads will be a crushed…..

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