Live-blogging the premiere of 'Martha'

111549__martha_l10:54 am Mere minutes away from the series premiere of Martha Stewart’s live daytime talker, and I’m feeling alternately excited and ashamed. So many questions: Will Martha use exciting words and phrases like chipoltle mayo, jicama slaw, and toile oven mitt? Has she trained her new dog Francesca (a first-day guest) not to pee in front of a live audience? Why didn’t I get up early and bake a batch of celebratory cranberry-walnut scones? God, I hate myself.

11:00 am Mini-aneurysm. Opening credits contain the poncho, the dogs, and Swing Out Sister’s ”Am I the Same Girl.” Plus the word "Omnimedia."

11:02 am Quick comic montage of Martha’s employees wearing ankle monitors. Is it a joke?

11:04 am Here’s Martha’s obligatory tribute to victims of Hurricane Katrina. Please don’t try to be Oprah. Please don’t try to be Oprah.

11:08 am Phew. She didn’t try to be Oprah. Just a nice highlight reel of Martha’s previous visits to the region, highlighting the beauty of Louisiana and Mississippi, and their yummy regional fare.

11:11 am Gah! Just spilled Diet Coke all over my desk and shirt! (Thank God I’m not wearing my hand-crocheted poncho.)

11:15 am Martha meets extraterrestrial being Marcia Cross: ”You don’t cook? You don’t bake? You don’t make scrambled eggs?”

11:16 am Martha wishes every woman could ”be a little Bree Van Der Kamp sometime.” Oh, Martha, it’s Van De Kamp.

11:18 am Martha keeps confusing Marcia with her Desperate Housewives‘ character, calling her Bree, while teaching her how to… Fold. A. T-shirt. What the heck is she doing with it anyway? It’s not a fitted bedsheet!

11:21 am Martha’s giving her audience T-shirts emblazoned with instructions for folding a T-shirt. I wonder if you can order one on her website?

11:24 am Nominee for ”Martha’s Quote of the Day” No. 1: ”Are all the Desperate Housewives on a diet all the time?” Martha asks. Oh no, she did-un’t!

11:26 am Nominee for ”Martha’s Quote of the Day” No. 2: ”I don’t know why all of [the Housewives] are so hungry. In certain ways.”

11:28 am Is my cable reception okay? It kind of looks like Martha just put scalding-hot scrambled eggs in a pastry bag and is making Marcia pump them into hollowed-out egg shells. One of these women deserves an Emmy. The one who’s smiling while fighting back tears of pain.

11:29 am Mommy, what’s brioche?

11:31 am Ooh! It’s the ”What’s Really for Dinner?” segment, where Martha visits viewers’ homes and cooks with them.

11:33 am Nominee for ”Martha’s Quote of the Day” No. 3: ”I like big meatballs!”

11:34 am Mmmm, flank steak. And all I brought for lunch was a ham sandwich.

11:37 am We have a winner in ”Martha’s Quote of the Day” competition: ”I know every card game. I got Hoyle’s book of card games in prison.”

11:43 am Sisters Gerry and Nina are in the studio. ”You don’t grow your own canning tomatoes?” Martha inquires. Ouch!

11:47 am Fine camerawork shows a solitary noodle on the kitchen floor, where it fell when Martha threw it at the fridge to test its doneness.

11:48 am Shout-out to GE appliances! ”It’s almost likerestaurant quality,” Martha chirps. I’ll let it slide…After all, I’msure that set didn’t come cheap.

11:49 am Did Martha just tell Nina she needs a new stove, andthen not offer to give her one? Oprah would’ve totally given the woman,like, a yacht or something.

11:50 am Ad break. Kirstie Alley. She funny.

11:52 am The ad break’s over, but the love for GE continues.

11:54 am A making-of segment about Martha’s set. Feeeeeling verrrrrry sleeeeepy.

11:55 am ”There is no set in daytime history as sophisticated as this one.” Cue sound of needle ripping across a record. Who said that? And is he ready for Miss Tyra to deliver the smackdown?

11:57 am Standing ovation. Beaming audience. ”Tomorrow is poncho day with David Spade — and Elmo,” says Martha, beaming.

Well, that ought to be strange and awkward and a little bit fabulous. I’ll be tuning in. How ’bout you?

Comments (8 total) Add your comment
  • kj

    the show was completely cringe-worthy. the live format doesn’t seem to be her forte. maybe it will improve…

  • t.s.

    It’s not that bad. I mean, it’s no worse than Tony Danza’s talk show…my new word for the day “extravaDanza”.

  • Kristen

    Michael Slezak is the funniest thing ever! Oh, and great editing too….

  • nessa

    I am so glad you blogged this because I forgot to set my TIVO for it.
    This was too funny!

  • brandonk

    I don’t plan on watching it, but I’ll definitely read the live blogs, if there are any more. Pretty good stuff! Loved her quote of the day.

  • Jamie

    I just about died at the quote of the day. I think I might need TiVo just to watch Martha spout off about prison.

  • HeyThere:)

    She’s a pretty horrible interviewer … I guess she’s never really done it before live. But the contrast of Martha with Marcia made for the funniest moments of the show. If they bring on good cooks or good crafters to do segments with Martha, it won’t be a good show. It’s the moments where we get to laugh at Martha where the beauty of the show comes out. On another note … I bet Martha has a bug in her ear telling her how to react to certain things. I don’t think she’s used to being nice to people, so her possee has to whisper those things in her ear. Overall, a good first show. :-)

  • A Socialite’s Life

    Martha Debuts, Bloggers Watch

    And Miu missed it. The Tivo screwed up. Grr. Thankfully both Gawker and popwatch live-blogged the event, so it feels as if I watched the show. Not surprisingly, popwatch seemed to enjoy Martha more than Gawker did. Here are their respective closing lin…

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